News or not?

News for Numbskulls

Whenever I take a trip somewhere and people find out I live in Las Vegas (Actually Henderson, Nevada which is a suburb of Vegas), they always ask why I left and think living here must be so exciting!  In some ways it is exciting, but probably not for the reasons you might think.  Living in Las Vegas is exciting because you never know if you’re going to get robbed, ran over by a car, or shot by someone.

Do I sound overly dramatic yet?  After living here for a while you sometimes stop noticing all the bad things that are in the news.  Every day there seems to be either someone shot, robbed, or killed in a car wreck here.  Now people may tell you that drivers are crazy where they live, but are there this many accidents?  And a lot of time the accidents don’t even involve more than one vehicle!  Here are a few incidents from just this past week:

Coroner identifies woman killed while crossing U.S. 95 after accident

Why would you even try to cross a busy freeway?  I’ve driven 70 miles an hour on the freeways here and people still pass me like I’m standing still!  And this woman tried to walk across one.  Brilliant.  The article notes at the end that there were four traffic related deaths this weekend.  Wow. 

Let’s take a look at another fatality from this weekend.  This one is a few brilliant young people.  Ever wonder why they came up with something called the Darwin Awards?  It’s because of people like this.  If you haven’t heard of the Darwin Awards, Google them.  Both amusing and frightening at the same time.  Anyway, on to the injuries!

Police identify teens involved in car hood-surfing accident

Who knew it wouldn’t be safe to try and surf on the hood of a car driven by someone who was really drunk?  I mean it sounds safe, doesn’t it?  You can’t get hurt when you’re young…and drunk….and stupid…and…ok, yes you can get hurt.  You can get very hurt as these idiots found out.  I’m sure the girl who was driving will cry at her court hearing and say “I didn’t think anyone would get hurt!”  The first three words in that sentence are at least correct.

Ok, enough of car accidents.  I don’t even want to think about those anymore.  It’s bad enough I have to drive to work on these streets!  Let’s see what else is in the news here.  It’s got to be something exciting, right?  After all, this is Las Vegas!

HIV positive woman accused of shoplifting threatens to infect Walmart employee

What…what the hell?  What is this?  This news is from Dallas, Texas!  Why is this in my Las Vegas news section?  It does sound like something that would happen here, though.  There are a number of homeless people here who are HIV positive and like to threaten other people with that. 

To hell with it then, forget Vegas.  Let’s look at some national news.  We’re coming up on elections here in America and I’m sure there will be some news about that.  I mean national news should be really interesting, right?  Uh…damn.  I don’t even believe this one. 

Meteorologist caught urinating during newscast?

Is this a news article or a question?  I guess Mike Seidel had to go and figured there was no better place to piss than in the snow right there.  So do you suppose it was cold out where Mike was?  Did his penis shrivel up while he was trying to water the weeds?  I should email him and ask.  In fact, let’s all email Mike Seidel and tell him what a rude pig he is for pissing outside on national television!  Let’s tell the station manager! 

Honestly I did go to the Weather Channel web page, but there isn’t an email listed for you to send any complaints.  I’m sure they don’t want to hear any complaints from anyone.  There is however a “Feedback” section here:

How can we improve weather.com?

I’m so tempted to leave a comment asking for their weathermen to be potty trained.  Maybe teach them that it’s not appropriate to piss outdoors.  I’m sure you’re now asking yourself if I’ve ever pissed outdoors.  Yes I have, but never on camera.  If you’re going to do the weather on tv you should at least keep your pants zipped up until your report is finished!

Oh hey, they found some bones at nearby Lake Mead!  Human bones!  Fabulous.

Coroner identifies bones found at Lake Mead

The ad that comes on is ten times as long as the news story!  And you can’t really call this much of a “story” anyway, can you?  It’s basically a sentence long.  Why is there even video?  The written part says the “bones” belong to Charles Finely III.  I wonder what happened to the other two?

Ok, I’ve had enough of news for today.  Time to start racking my brain about what I’ll blog about tomorrow.  I’m sure I’ll come up with some more senseless shit.  Until then stay safe and don’t let anyone find your bones in a lake after pissing in the snow.

Running over Miss Daisy

Everyone thinks drivers are bad where they live.  They have major wrecks on the California freeways and in New York City the traffic is always gridlocked in Manhattan.  And when I was growing up in Idaho, I also thought the worst drivers in the world had to be in Idaho.  But now I know the worst drivers are in Las Vegas.

Let's take a look at what happened just the other day here.  An 18 year old kid slammed his car into a local restaurant and then after badly injuring 10 people, tried to run away.  Here's a nice article and video that...well, attempt to tell what happened:

http://www.ktnv.com/news/local/201155771.html

In the article is says the driver (Gage Lindsey) told the police he had "blacked out after taking an UNSUBSCRIBED pill."  I had no idea you could subscribe to pills!  I've subscribed to magazines before, I've even heard that you can subscribe to a "Jelly of the month" club.  But who allows you to subscribe to pills?  Obviously this kid was a brain surgeon to begin with.  Nice, huh?  

And if you get into a wreck here, or smash into a restaurant, all you need to do is get combative with the people and police there and then you're home free, right?  ... ... ... right?

http://www.ktnv.com/news/local/201065171.html

But one instance doesn't make Las Vegas the place with the worst drivers.  Several incidents every week do, though!  How about this one:

http://www.ktnv.com/news/local/200967271.html

This guy drove his truck over someone crossing the street.  The article says it wasn't clear whether or not the pedestrian was in a cross walk.  What was clear was that apparently if you walk out into traffic here, you're going to be killed because the trucks and cars don't break for people.  Stand there and yell that you have the right of way if you want, you'll still be killed.

But wait, there's more!  This old woman was using her cell phone and ran a red light.  Using your cell phone while driving here is illegal, but if you aren't even going to obey traffic lights, then why obey cell phone laws, right?  People can't die here!  At least that's what they think.  There are people here who honestly think that because they haven't been in a wreck before, they'll never be in one.  A lot of the wrecks and deaths here are from stupidity!

http://www.ktnv.com/news/local/201091231.html

All four of these "accidents" happened within the last couple of days.  Oops, did I say four?  Of course I did!  And here's the fourth:

http://www.ktnv.com/news/local/200969071.html     

Another 18 year old!  Fabulous!  And he needs a public defender after killing a few people when he rear ended another car because he probably doesn't have a job or any money.  But he did have some beer bottles in the SUV.  And he obviously had an SUV!  I'm almost at a loss for words now.  It's getting so I'm afraid to drive my car anywhere!  All of this within three days.  And this is weekly stuff here.

You're safe in jail though, right?  ... ... right?  Maybe not.  This happened a while ago.

http://articles.latimes.com/2001/feb/06/news/mn-21689

This is a link to an old L.A. Times article.  This 20 year old decided to plead "not guilty" after falling asleep at the wheel of a van and running over and killing 6 "juvenile offenders" who were cleaning up the side of the highway.  She was full of pot and ecstasy, but she still doesn't think it was her fault.  I mean being a 20 year old stripper you should be able to get away with anything, right?  Even killing some kids with a van.  The only thing that would make this one seem right would have been for someone to crash their car into the courthouse during the trial and kill her!

So when you think traffic is bad where you live after some idiot speeds by you, think about the traffic here.  I've been told that at any one time at least 30% of the drivers on Las Vegas roads are under the influence of alcohol, or some kind of drug, or both.  That number may even be higher now.  

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID!