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Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Guest post by my friend Karenna Colcroft!

Today my crazy Vegas blog will be guest hosted by my good friend Karenna Colcroft as she showcases her upcoming new book release!  Enjoy this post and go out and buy her book!  Help support a wonderful author!

Surprise!
When you’re married to someone, you probably think you know them very well. You’ve been through the whole dating thing, and now you’re sharing a life, so what could they possibly say or do that would surprise you?
But no matter how well we know someone, they can still surprise us. A gift, a suggestion of a date or activity, or trying something new in bed—or out of it—can be completely unexpected. And sometimes when we think we know our partner as well as we possibly could, it’s good to have things shaken up a little.
In my novella Knot Intended, Nolie and Joseph consider each other soulmates, and Nolie believes she knows all there is to know about her mild-mannered husband. But when he suggests sexual roleplaying to address some staleness in their marriage, Nolie is completely taken off-guard. And the lengths Joseph goes to in order to fulfill Nolie’s fantasy are far beyond anything she would have guessed he’d be willing to do.
Being married does mean knowing a lot about each other, but sometimes it’s good to surprise your partner. It might make things better than you could imagine.
Knot Intended releases November 18 from Loose Id, http://www.loose-id.com/knot-intended.html. Here’s the blurb and a short excerpt:


Nolie and Joseph have a good marriage. They're still in love, have everything they need, and their careers are in good shape. But lately their sex life and time together has taken a back seat. One morning, Joseph brings up the changes in their sex life and expresses a desire to spice things up. With his encouragement, Nolie confesses her darkest fantasy: Being kidnapped, bound, and "forced" to have sex with her "captor."
She assumes Joseph will forget the fantasy or decide it's better off left as something to talk about, but a week later, Joseph brings Nolie's fantasy into reality. Nolie is not only excited about the role play, but Joseph's willingness to fulfill her fantasy reminds her of how much they love each other and how much priority they need to put on their marriage.
EXCERPT:
Nolie wet her lips again.
Joseph stepped back. “Thirsty?”
“Yes.” She looked at him, pleading. “I really need water. I’m feeling lightheaded.”
“You’re just a scared little whore.” He set the belt on the bed, went to the minifridge beneath the TV, and took out two bottles of water. “You’re lucky I’m thirsty too. Otherwise I wouldn’t give a shit what you thought.”
Nolie knew better. No matter how deeply into character Joseph was, he wouldn’t let her faint from dehydration. She decided she was better off not arguing with him, though.
He opened one of the bottles and held it to her lips far more gently than she would have expected. As he tipped the bottle, she drank nearly half the contents before she leaned back to let Joseph know she was finished.
He drained the rest of the bottle, then tossed it toward the trash, setting the remaining bottle on the bureau. “Back to fun now,” he said. He picked up the belt again and ran the buckle down each of Nolie’s arms.
She shivered at the light, tickling touch.
“Sexy bitch,” Joseph murmured. “Nice toned arms. I wonder what you’d do if I smacked them.” He tapped the belt on her left bicep.
“I’m not into pain,” Nolie said.
“I didn’t give you the choice, did I?” He raised the belt and brought it down but stopped before it touched her skin. “You’d best remember who’s in charge here, got it?”
“Got it.” Adrenaline coursed through Nolie’s veins, and she breathed deeply, trying to slow her racing heart. For a moment she’d believed Joseph really would hit her. She still wasn’t entirely convinced he wouldn’t.

Karenna Colcroft’s website: http://www.karennacolcroft.com

Friday, November 7, 2014

Understanding Women

Women


Are you ready for an analogy?  Men are like rocks and women are like internal combustion engines.  There are many different kinds of men, but we’re basically the same.  We’re usually simple.  There are all kinds of women too, and most of them are extremely complicated and made up of thousands of parts.  Does this sound right?  Well it is.

I’ve made mistakes with women, and had a few victories with them, but I will in no way claim to be an expert in how the female mind works.  I’ve made one girl so angry that she canceled a date we had arranged and refused to go out with me.  I’ve also bought a different girl a gold bracelet for her birthday and watched as she lit up with happiness.  I’ve gotten dirty looks and smiles, been given kind words and swore at, and have seen quite a few sides of quite a few women.  So let’s go over things that I’ve surmised over the years about how a woman’s mind works.

Here’s a nice example:  Two people work in the same office, Tom and Jannis.  They walk into the office in the morning ready to start work.  Tom looks at Jannis and says:

“Good morning Jannis, nice boots!  I really like those!”

Jannis smiles and replies:

“Thank you very much Tom, they’re new.”

Both Tom and Jannis go to their work desks to start their work day and here is what starts going through Jannis’ mind:

He said he liked the boots.  Did he look at the rest of me?  Should I have said more back to him?  I’ll bet he didn’t even look at my hair!  I spent all morning fussing with this hair and he can’t even look at it.  Did he mention the new blouse?  Of course not, he was just looking at the boots.  Why would he bother to look at my blouse when he didn’t even look at my hair?  Was he waiting for me to say more?  Does Tom like me?  Do I like Tom?  I don’t know if I like Tom.  Tom is always nice when I see him.  I wish he would have said something about my blouse, but then why would he?  He doesn’t look at my chest.  He’s always too busy staring at that whore Kim’s chest!  All the men stare at her chest and she’s always throwing those tits out so everyone can see them!  Is she after Tom?  Probably, she seems to be after every other man she sees.  What a bitch, I really hate her!

I’ve been told things like this will go through a woman’s mind in just a few seconds.  So how did she go from “nice boots” to “Kim is a whore”?  What the hell?  If you want to look at it from Tom’s side, more than likely he was thinking:

Wow, she has on nice boots.  I wonder if the coffee has been made yet?

He’s not wondering if Jannis likes him, he wants some coffee.  Does he look at Kim’s cleavage?  Of course he does!  We all look at cleavage, ladies!  You know that and we know that!  It’s a fact of life!  We like cleavage.  But after telling Jannis she had on nice boots, Tom moves on with his day.  We do that, men say something and then move on.  Women will sit for hours trying to analyze what men mean about one sentence.  Usually we just mean we liked the boots.  *chuckle*

Here’s another example;  Tom and Jannis start going out together.  Tom tells Jannis that he’s going to help a friend work on a car and will come over to see her around noon.  Jannis waits and waits, but there is no sign of Tom.  She calls his cell phone a few times, but there’s no answer.  Here we go in jannis’ head again:

Oh my God, I hope nothing’s happened to him.  Should I call the police?  He wouldn’t do something stupid and get arrested, would he?  No he wouldn’t.  Maybe he’s in the hospital.  Or maybe he got hurt working on the car and no one was there to help him?  Maybe both he and his friend got hurt?  Who did he say he was with?  I don’t remember his friend’s name!  Did Tom even tell me his friend’s name?  Oh my God, what do I do if something’s really happened?  Why won’t he call me!  Or at least answer his phone when I call him!  What is wrong with him!  Maybe he went to a bar.  Did he meet some floozy and is spending time with her instead of coming to see me?  Why would he do that?  If he’s not hurt, I’m going to hurt him myself!

Tom finally shows up at Jannis’ house at three o’clock.  By now she’s furious.  She yells “WHERE WERE YOU?  I WAS WORRIED SICK!” at him.  Tom has no idea why she’s so angry.  He tries to explain that he was working on a car with his friend like he told her he was going to be doing.  She says that he was supposed to show up at her house at noon, not whenever the hell he feels like it!  Tom is still clueless.  So he’s a bit late.  He got carried away with the car and forgot the time.  He can’t understand why she’s so upset.  And then here comes the complicated part.  Jannis looks at Tom and says the “F" word:

FINE, you just spend all the time you want with your stupid friends!

Fine is never a good word to hear from a woman.  I would rather have a woman call me all kinds of profanity than hear her say the word fine.  Fine to a man means you’re ok.  Fine from a woman means the world is ON FIRE!  Win her or loser her right here, boys.

So now Tom tries to make things better by apologizing.  He says he’s sorry and it won’t ever happen again.  He’ll make sure he calls her next time.  Meanwhile Jannis is sitting on the couch with her arms crossed.  A woman with her arms crossed is usually a bad sign, too.  She looks away from Tom and says that horrible word again;

Fine.

Tom gives Jannis a curious look and asks, “So, we’re good then?”  Jannis continues to stare off into space refusing to look at Tom and says;

Absolutely, we’re fine.

Tom is in deep shit.  Now a small part of the male brain is sending out alarm signals telling Tom that thing are not right.  Jannis keeps saying the “F” word, but she doesn’t seem like she’s “fine” at all.  Tom was just a few hours late.  This doesn’t make any sense to him.  Now Tom stands there for a few seconds like a deer caught in some headlights.  (If you aren’t familiar with what that means, it means he just stands there not knowing what to do next.)  He’s absolutely stunned and doesn’t know what to do.  If a man is late to his buddy’s house, the buddy usually won’t care.  Hell, if we’re going out, sometimes we’ll even leave the late guy behind!  Then when we see him the next day we tell him how great a time we had without him!  But we don’t get mad usually.  Shit happens and men move on.  Women don’t move on.

They may say they’ll move on, but they don’t.  Even if Tom sits down and talks to Jannis and gets her to forgive him for being late, years later she’s going to bring up the fact that he was three hours late that day and throw it right back in his face.  Oh yes, women will keep things in the back of their minds for years, decades even! 

Damn you Ernie!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten that day in 1901 when you fed my horse beans and she couldn’t stop farting!  You’re a rotten old bastard!

I don’t mean to pick on all the bad things women do.  But these are just some of the complicated parts of them.  If you see me and say “Damn Robert, your hair is really thinning out on top!”  I’m not going to be offended.  My hair is thinning.  I’m not happy about that, but it’s a fact of life.  I’ll agree with you and move on with my day.  If you look at a girl and say to her, “Wow, what happened to your hair?” you’ve just ruined her entire day.  Maybe even her week.  Or month.  Or as I said above, she may remember you said that for decades.  She may pretend to shrug off the remark, but I guarantee you most women will find a mirror somewhere and look at themselves to try and figure out what is wrong with their hair.  There’s really nothing wrong with it, but they can’t believe that.  Some idiot said there was and now they have to figure out what it is.

I’ve had women tell me “Thank you” and give me a kiss on the cheek.  What the hell did I do to earn that?  Only they know.  If I try asking, “What was that for? I get some cryptic answer like “Just for being you” or “It doesn’t matter”.  And to further complicate things, I’m sure there are other women who see that and then start thinking things like,

Oh my God, look at that hussy!  She just kissed him!  Does he like her?  Are they going out?  Should I go kiss him?  I wonder what he would do if I did?  Do I want to kiss him?  I don’t know.  What would she do if I kissed him?  Are they together?  I didn’t think they were, but now I’m not sure.  Should I ask? 

And there’s another complicated thing about women.  Whether they admit it or not, they get jealous.  I can understand if a woman is going out with a guy and sees another woman flirting with him.  That’s easy to get upset about.  But if you have a guy who is just a male friend and a girl talks to him, sometimes women will get upset over that!  I’ve had female friends say things to me like,

You don’t really like her, do you?  She’s not your type.  You might want to think twice before you hang around with her again.  She’s just not right for you.  You deserve better.

What the hell is with all the judgment?  Maybe I DO want a date with Kim (with the huge cleavage)!  Maybe she is my type!  Is my friend being protective, or jealous?  Sometimes it’s hard to say.  I’ll be honest with you and say that when I’ve had single female friends and see them talking to guys I get jealous.  I’ll usually keep my mouth shut, but I will admit to being jealous.  Women play that kind of thing off, though.

No I’m not jealous!  Fine, go out with her!  See if I care!

Alarms going off in my head again.  She said the “F” word!  And what does it mean when she says, “See if I care”?  She obviously cares, or she wouldn’t have said anything.  And what’s with the “fine” remark?  This is now getting overly complicated!  Some girls want to be friends and stay platonic, but if you try to go out with another girl, they get all bent out of shape!  I find myself in trouble just for talking to another girl!  *chuckle* 

I have a lot of female friends in my life now through Facebook.  I probably won’t understand them as much as I’d like, but I do love them all.  So if I’m ever stupid, or make mistakes, forgive me.  And please don’t use the “F” word with me if you can help it.  I don’t like the alarm bells in my head when I don’t know how to shut them off.  *chuckle*


Until tomorrow…Aloha.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Starbuck's, Caffeine, and Chocolate

Starbuck’s
Yes, today I’m going to write about Starbuck’s.  I’m stunned by this place.  Or should I say these places.  They’re everywhere.  I don’t think you can walk two blocks in any city without seeing a Starbuck’s.  Now I’m not knocking the place, because I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything from there.  But it just kills me that a place as expensive as this one is has become this popular!

If you go to a Starbuck’s on any morning, you’ll usually find a line of people.  And they’re there to pay about $8 for a cup of coffee.  But it goes beyond coffee.  Oh yes, the “Yuppies” love Starbuck’s and if you wait in line you’ll hear people ordering their favorite Cappo-half-caff-mocha-crème-dutch-chocolate-large or something like that.  It’s like some kind of modern day code that only these people understand.  And they pay through the ass for whatever they’re ordering. 

“Ok sir, you’ve ordered a Double chocolate chip crème Frappuccino.  What size would you like that to be?”

(By the way, that’s a real drink.  I stole the words right off the online menu!)

What size?  The title of this drink nearly gives me diabetes!  Is there a coffee size?  Believe it or not, the sizes they have listed are “Tall, Grande, and Venti Ice”.  What the hell measurement is “Venti Ice”?  It says 24oz next to it, but maybe a Venti Ice measurement to me is 28oz.  Beyond that, who needs 24oz of chocolate, crème, and caffeine all at one time?  The people drinking these are the ones running around offices screaming at the top of their lungs and gurgling out words that make no sense!

“Uh…Mr. Smith, what was the address for the Clark account?”

“GAAAAAGggogglaadjmoouuouie!  Frappuccino!”

You can’t tell me this drink is safe or good for human consumption.  And you’re not only putting all of this stuff into your body, you’re paying through the ass to do it!

Starbuck’s has a “Kid’s drinks” menu.  I clicked on that and found “Freshly Brewed Coffee”.  So before dropping your kindergartener off at school in the mornings, hit Starbuck’s and get him a nice steaming cup of Joe! 

Ok yes, being realistic a kindergartener isn’t going to like, or drink coffee.  But I’ll bet you they’ll drink a Double chocolate chip crème Frappuccino!  Make sure there’s extra caffeine, too!  REALLY jack the kid up before dropping him or her off at school!  If there’s one thing teachers love, it’s a caffeinated six year old!

(Ok, for the record, teachers do not like caffeinated and jacked up children and I’m not actually telling you to get a child all sugared and caffeinated up before sending him to torture a poor teacher!  I’m sure parents wouldn’t like it much if a teacher passed out these drinks before sending the children home after school.  HAHAHAHAHAHA, as if a teacher could afford anything at a Starbuck’s on their salary, let alone buy stuff for a whole class!  They’d probably rather buy a car, or boat, or something like that!)

Starbuck’s also sells some food.  How about some Classic Whole-Grain Oatmeal?  It’s has “rolled and steel-cut oats” among other things.  I thought you fed oats to horses and cows and livestock like that.  I HATE oatmeal and don’t think I want to be eating oats, either!  YUCK!  I won’t even try that with my Chocolate chip caffeine Frappuccino thing. (That drink is actually starting to sound pretty good.  I do like chocolate…)

Starbuck’s is getting a lot of attention today because they’re rolling out a new drink.  I have no idea what the new drink is because I didn’t pay that much attention to what the lady on the radio was saying, but it’s some kind of new thing that everyone will now have to have.  If you go to order whatever this is, make sure you get Venti Ice size.  It’ll probably be about $15, but what the hell, right? 

Thinking back, I actually have bought something at a Starbuck’s before.  It wasn’t a drink though, I bought a $10 gift card and offered it up as a prize along with one of my books for someone commenting on some post or something I did on Facebook.  I put the nice little gift card inside the book as a bookmark.  A LOT of people commented if I remember right.  Sadly, I think they were all looking forward to the gift card more than they were looking forward to reading my book!  Wow, authors will sink pretty low to get one of their books out there!  *chuckle*

I do think I’m going to have to try one of the chocolate chip Frappuccino things.  I don’t want to go alone, though.  I’ll have to grab my niece and take her along with me.  I know she does occasionally read my blogs and will see this so I’m sure she’ll remind me.  *chuckle*

Ok, time to end this while I take time to converse with my niece and find out how much trouble I’m in for mentioning her in my blog.  *chuckle*  Actually…if you go to this link you can read a blog where I interviewed her!



That blog post actually has 369 views!  *chuckle*  I guess people want to know about Tiffany!  I’ll have to see if she’ll agree to do another interview with me since the last interview was when she was still in high school, I think.  Now that she’s a college woman I think we should find out all about how things are in college today and exactly what her thoughts on Starbucks are!  Until tomorrow, toodles.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Girlfriends

Women I Love to Love
Today I think I’m going to write about girlfriends.  And I don’t mean the girls you take to the movies, and to dinner, and then try to sneak a kiss with in the park later.  I’m talking about women who are friends. 

I had a few girlfriends growing up.  I would always laugh when a lot of these girls would tell me that they don’t have many, if any at all, girlfriends themselves.  I was always told this was because women are catty and jealous of each other and they always create too much drama.  I would have to agree with this statement a lot of the time.  Males don’t create as much drama.  There are always the exceptions to this, take the guy off in a corner crying because someone didn’t like his new hat.  Yes, those guys are out there too, and no I never had any male friends like that.

But getting back to women, the world wide web has changed a lot of things including how many female friends I now have.  I have quite a few that I’ve never even met in person.  I have met quite a few women through Facebook.  They’re friends and live all over the world.  I have some girlfriends in Canada, the United States, the United Kingdom, I think one even lives in France somewhere.  I love seeing pictures they post, and making fun comments when they post something.  And for the most part, these women understand that I can be sarcastic and silly and accept me for what I am. 

Some of these women are married, some have kids, some are even married and have kids! *chuckle*  Anyway, the point of all of this is that they are friends.  I didn’t make friends with them because I thought I might get lucky.  I never expect anything from any of them.  We’re just friends.  So why am I writing about this?

Because some guys don’t seem to think this way.  I’ve lost track of how many times I see one of my female friends posting on Facebook that they ARE NOT AVAILABLE AND THEY DO NOT WISH TO RECEIVE PHOTOS OF MALE PRIVATE PARTS!  … … … I sit here thinking to myself “What the hell is this?”  Really?  Some idiots are sending photos of their private parts to my friends?  Who the hell does this?  And more importantly, WHY would anyone do this?  Are they thinking that once these women see their equipment they’ll do anything?  What the hell is wrong with the world?

Some don’t get pictures, but instead get messages that say things like “I think you’re my soulmate” or “you’re so beautiful, I need to be with you”.  Some of the men sending these kind of messages are hundreds, even thousands of miles away from the women they’re sending them to!  What do they honestly think they are going to get for a response?  “Oh yeah baby, I love the pictures of your hairy ass, I want to be yours now!”

One friend solved this very nicely.  She took a photo of her husband’s junk and sent that back to the guy.  He was smart enough to leave her alone after that.  I’m not sure how to handle messages from idiots like these guys other than to laugh about it and block them, but women aren’t like that.  They aren’t wired that way usually.  Things like this really upset them and when a friend of mine is upset, I’m upset!  This sucks!

Moving onward, some girlfriends I’ve had have just disappeared.  That’s quite a trick considering they’ve had a large internet presence.  How do you just up and go away?  I love the internet and would really miss it!  I wouldn’t even begin to know how to wean myself off this magical thing!  Without giving away names, I met one girl online and was stupid enough to travel hundreds of miles away to move in with her in Minnesota.  Things didn’t work out and within 6 months I was back in Las Vegas.  She had always been online.  Now I can’t find a trace of her.  Maybe she’s dead?  That wouldn’t surprise me at all.  I haven’t seen her in 10 years and it is entirely possible that she either died, or ended up in prison.  Yup, she wasn’t the smartest person and may be in prison. *chuckle*

Another one became quite a surprise.  The first one, the possible prison woman, I had met and left probably over fifteen years ago so the internet really wasn’t the size it is now.  Facebook wasn’t even around.  I met her through MySpace if you can believe that!  Moving on I had another friend just about two years ago.  She was another author and lived on the other side of the country.  Eventually we began talking over the phone, texting, and emailing each other all the time.  I thought we were pretty tight.  She decided she was going to marry another guy and one day I receive a message saying not to text or email her anymore.  So I stopped.  And then she just dropped off the internet.

Now this wasn’t instantaneous.  She disappeared over the course of months, but she just went bye, bye.  I finally figured out that she’s still around, she didn’t disappear, she changed her name.  At least her last name.  She had written a number of books and they’re gone now, too.  That’s a long story that I won’t go into, but how do you just turn your back on friends? 

A few of you who read this might know who I’m talking about.  If you do, don’t mention her name.  If someone wants to leave my life, they’re more than welcome.  It’s just so surprising to me when I get treated like one of those guys who sends out pictures of his junk.  I don’t do that and never treat my girlfriends with anything but respect.  Getting married shouldn’t mean you can’t have me as a friend anymore, especially if you live hundreds of miles away.


Ok, I’ve ranted long enough for this morning.  Disappear if you want to, I’ll find more friends somewhere.  Until tomorrow…Ta!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Petrol Gas

The Price of Gas in China
So, do you own a car?  A lot of people do and that means we all have to buy gasoline, or petrol as my English friends call it.  And how much is petrol, gas, or whatever?  Well, since the huge letters above say China, let’s take a look at China’s gas prices today.  As of right now, the internet tells me gasoline costs ¥7.94 Chinese Yen a liter.  One liter is equal to a quarter of a gallon and in America we buy gas by the gallon.  So basically gasoline in China today costs ¥31.76 Chinese Yen a gallon.  That may sound like a lot, but converting it to American dollars that would be $5.19 a gallon (I bet my math teacher friend is loving all these numbers! *chuckle*)

When I went out to fill my car up with gas for the week a couple days ago, I paid $2.98 American dollars a gallon.  I’ll bet the Chinese are pretty jealous!  What cheap gas we have here in America, right?  Wrong, back in 1989 I remember gas only costing $0.79 a gallon!  The stupid oil companies are just greedy!  Anyway, let’s get back on track.

How about Jolly Old London, England?  How much do you suppose petrol costs there?  Do you think the Chinese will be jealous of English gas prices?  I can already feel my English friends shaking their heads and muttering profanity.  *chuckle*  The internet tells me that as of today the price of petrol in London, England is around £1.33 a liter (Or litre as my English friends would say)  Adding that all together to make a gallon, petrol is £5.32 English pounds a gallon.  Converting that to American dollars, my English friends are paying $8.51 a gallon.

….
….
….

That can’t be right.  It can’t!  Really?  $8.51 a gallon for gas?  Holy shit!  I drive around in a car with a 10 gallon tank and usually gas up when I’m at about a half a tank.  My last trip to the gas station cost me about $13.50 or so!  In England I’d be paying about £26.60!  That’s $42.57 in American dollars!  I can’t afford that every week!  Damn!  On the other hand…


This is a Honda CRX.


These nice, little babies got around 55 miles per gallon of gas!  Great mileage!  They’re gone now.  Well, not exactly gone, but they aren’t made or sold in America anymore.  If you come across one, buy it!  It’s worth its weight in gold now!  At the most, modern cars here in America get around an average of something like 19 miles per gallon. Some get worse.  A great mileage car like a Hyndai ( I drive a Hyndai) get around 35 miles to a gallon or so.  Check out this vehicle:


YEAH!  That's a 2014 Bugatti Veyron Super Sport Performa!  I’ll bet I could really attract a few gorgeous English ladies while driving this, huh?  Fantastic looking car!  It also gets about 10 miles per gallon.  For you English mates keeping up with the math, that’s about 2.5 miles per litre.  Is it worth it to drive that now?  Can you AFFORD to drive this now?  Even if someone gave you this car and said they would pay the insane car insurance for it, I don’t think I’d be able to pay for the petrol to drive around!  What a crock of shit!


But you say you still want a convertible without really shitty gas mileage?  How about this one?


This is a FIAT 500C 0.9 TwinAir Cult 85HP Dualogic.  It gets about 75 miles per gallon!  You may not pick up the self-centered, gold digging, bimbos in this, but you’ll certainly attract all the sensible minded ladies!  *chuckle*  This thing gets about one and a half times the gas mileage the Honda CRX did!  But can you get one of these here in America?  HELL NO!  You can pick one right up in England, though!  At least I think you can, I found this while doing a search for the cars with the best gas mileage in England.  I KNOW you can’t get vehicles with this kind of mileage where I live!  Phooey!

I can get one of these here:

This is a Ford F150 Raptor pick up truck.  It gets about 11 miles to a gallon.  I’ll bet country girls here in America would love me in one of these!  Of course if I really lived in the country I wouldn’t be able to afford one of these because I don’t have enough money to pay for the damned gasoline!  For crying out loud, it probably costs $50 in gas just to drive this monster to the corner post office! 

Now I’ve forgotten what I was even writing about in the first place.  Gas, or petrol, or something.  Chinese cookies, maybe?  I know there was something Chinese in here somewhere.  For now I think I’m going to go off and dream about driving through the English countryside in a Bugatti Veron with the top down.  All my money flying out of the back of the car as I speed down the road.

Stay tuned tomorrow for more senseless stuff.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Accrington Stanley

FIFA 15 at its best!

I didn’t grow up with soccer.  As an American I grew up watching baseball and American football and really never knew much about soccer. I never really learned much about the sport until I was up in the later years of my life.  But now that I’ve learned quite a bit, I love it!  I’m actually a bit sad that I can’t watch some of the lower league matches on tv!

What I can do though is play them out in a video game.  When I was a kid video game soccer looked like this:

Now what can I really learn from this?  Not much.  But that was years ago.  In the past couple of years I’ve been learning more and more about English football, transfers, player loans, and things like that.  Now I’m by no means an expert, but I think I could run a team with a reasonable amount of success.  I’m sure every sports fan thinks that though, don’t they?  Walk into any pub in England and I’m sure you can find a group of people who will tell you exactly why their favorite team isn’t run correctly.

And so we come to the video game FIFA 15. This game gives you a chance to play with not only English football teams, but teams in leagues all over the world!  But of course I wanted to try playing in the English leagues.  My first choice for a team was Port Vale.  They earned promotion not long ago and moved up into “League 1” from “League 2”.  They have a bit of money, and it was fun trying to manage them for a few games, but I was curious about more.  I tried managing teams like the Tottingham Spurs and Manchester City.  Both have a lot of really good players (Both are also top teams in the Barkely’s Premiere Leage or BPL.  That’s the top English football league.) and money to spend on transferring in any players you might like to add to your squad, but this seemed a bit easy.

I wondered who was the bottom of the English leagues.  Who was the one team that was just struggling to survive.  I went into league two and found a small team called Accrington Stanley.  Feel free to click on the name and check out the real life team.  I figured I can take control of them in FIFA 15 and move them right to the top of the English leagues no problem at all.  I looked them up on YouTube and found a few really nice videos about them.  Their motto is “The team that wouldn’t die.”  I like that!  And so I started my career as Accrington Stanley manager.

First off, they don’t have much money.  And even if they did have a lot of money, they’re part of League 2 which means that even if I could afford to buy some big time players, they won’t want to play for a small time team like this.  Ouch. So I’ll have to start out with some young players.  No problem though, I figured I could find a few 17 or 18 year olds and pick them up cheaply.  Then you just develop these guys and end up with a good team, right?  Right…?

Again, Accrington Stanley doesn’t have much money which means I can’t afford to buy any players with tons of potential.  Damn.  Maybe if I transfer a few of the older Accrington players I can get more money to buy the younger players?  That didn’t work out either because poor Accrington doesn’t have very many players.  I need everyone I have just to keep them playing!  I manage to transfer in two guys before I run short on money.  They are CB Stephen Best who is 17 and LM Fionn Reilly who is 18.  All these guys are real life soccer players too, which makes things interesting.

I do have a few other youngsters on the team and will have to make due.  So I divided my small team into two team sheets.  One with a lot of the younger players on it, and one with most of my older players.  I figured I could rotate them as I played matches and keep everyone fresh and rested.  Before my first “friendly” match one of my 18 year old players named Luke Greaves asks to play even though he’s not listed as a first team starter.  I do have him starting on the younger team sheet, so I’ll just play that team in the friendly.

We play a small club called Latina for our friendly.  Luke runs out happily onto the pitch ready for his big start!  The game begins and Luke Greaves ends up with a torn hip floxor within a few minutes of play.  He's now out for a few weeks.  That's not good.  I was a bit short handed to begin with and now I have to wait for this player to heal!  This isn't a very good start.

If you’re interested, here’s a look at some real life Luke Greaves highlights!

The team must move on!  And so after two more friendly matches we moved into regular league play.  Now I’ll admit I’m playing this game on “Amateur” setting.  So it’s not horribly hard, but it’s not the easiest thing to score either.  I thought at first I would be able to just steamroll other teams with this setting and get my small team some instant success, but things didn’t work out that way exactly.  I won a couple matches and then ended up with a draw with another bad team called Portsmouth.  I didn’t like the look of a draw, but their goal keeper seemed like a wall!  None of my shots seemed able to make it past him!  We moved on to the J. Paint Trophy Cup.  I figured maybe I would try something new.  I had a 17 year old striker just sitting on the bench named Max Hazeldine.  Why not give Max his shot and see what he could do?  So I put him in for one of the J. Paint matches.  He scored the one and only goal and always seemed to have the ball!  I love Max now!  He moved right up to starter after that performance! (I now follow the real Max Hazeldine on Twitter.  I hope he has the same success in real life!)  My next J. Paint Trophy Cup match will be against Port Vale.  They are a league higher and I'll really have to work to score against them and move on!  Now we're finding a challenge!

And so here we are.  I may keep writing in my blog about what happens with this Accrington Stanley progress.  I'm having a lot of fun seeing what I can do with this team.  I may end up back at Tottenham or one of the other big teams eventually, but for now I like the little guys.  And I may have to keep an eye on the real life Accrington Stanley team.  Win or lose, they've found a new supporter!



Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Music with Marc

The Guitar Master

 


Today I get to interview another of my Facebook friends, Marc Johnson.  Marc not only teaches and plays music, he also writes!  With such a fantastic combination of talents, I talked him into answering a few questions for the blog.

Since you give guitar and bass lessons, let’s start with a few questions about that.

I’ve heard people say there are no bad students, only bad teachers.  I’m not sure I agree with that.  I’ve been in classes with plenty of bad students.  Have you ever had guitar or bass students who really aggravated you?

Most of the people I’ve taught have aggravated me. Bad students will always outnumber the good ones 3 to 1. It’s a certainty in the universe. 

That being said, there are bad teachers too. And, somehow those bastards manage to stay teachers for a long time while the good ones get discouraged and leave. There’s a real dearth of good teachers out there.   

One of the jobs of a good teacher is to get students excited about the subject. And the best way to do that is to be enthusiastic about it yourself. If the teacher loves the subject, and the student is genuinely interested in putting the time in, then things will work. If the teacher is a lump on a log, then they’ll probably ruin whatever ambition the student had. 

When people come to you for lessons, do they sometimes think that learning to play an instrument is a quick and easy endeavor?

In their first lesson, everyone acknowledges that learning the guitar is going to be difficult for them, and they say that they are up for the challenge. The following week, the second lesson rolls around and they say, “I didn’t think it would be this hard.” Usually, that’s where I’ll begin to notice signs if the student is going to last or not. 

Unfortunately, the parents are rarely helpful. In order for someone to be a good student of music, they have to immerse themselves in it. And, it seems that very few households have any music in them. Even something as simple as a parent blaring some music while dancing in front of their kids can have a significant influence on how the child perceives music. They have to know that music is meant to be enjoyed and not just something that plays in the background of movies. 

It also doesn’t help that music education is seen as extracurricular instead of being part of a standard education. In some countries, learning an instrument is part of a student’s normal study. Where in the US it’s seen as frivolous or flighty. Hell, some parents make it next to impossible for the student to pursue music by bogging them down with a bunch of sports or other shit that the kid doesn’t even want to be involved in. Would you rather be a freaking boy scout or learn how to play Bark at the Moon? Which would you rather have, a merit badge or a Jackson Randy Rhoads “V” guitar? 

As both a writer and musician you’ve seen two different worlds.  Would you say it’s easier to get your writing or your music noticed?  Or are they both difficult?

They are both very difficult, and they are both very similar. While there are definitely more outlets than there used to be, there are so many shit writers and musicians clogging up the pipes that it makes it hard for anyone with anything interesting to say to get through.  

Writers and Musicians both have to work harder and smarter to get noticed. While you can still play some shithole bar (My favorite kind) or sign books at some hole-in-the-wall bookstore (Also, my favorite kind), you’re going to get very little notoriety from that alone. 

The hardest thing is that few are willing to pay for books or music. There’s an expectation that, if someone writes a book or records an album, they’ve done so because they love it and that should be enough reward for them. But, the writer or musician has to sacrifice time and opportunity to create these things. If they can’t make a living off of writing books or making music, how can you possibly expect them to keep doing it? 

Publishing houses have even pulled their heads out of their own asses long enough to notice this trend, which is why unless you’re a writer with an existing track record of selling books, good luck getting published. That leaves writers with independent houses, which have been doing good work lately, or self-publishing. Either way, it’s difficult to get your name out there. 

Some market the shit out of themselves and some cling onto niches that are big thing for the moment. It’s like the 90’s grunge thing. Every terrible band out there was calling themselves “grunge” so that they could get in on the action. Just like tons of terrible writers are getting in on the vampire or zombie thing for the same reason. 

The good news is that there are many great writers and musicians out there for anyone willing to look. Writers like you and Steve Morris have managed to get their stories out there without any big publishing house help, which is big. And musicians like Andy McKee have managed to garner a strong following based on YouTube performances. Something like that wouldn’t have been possible fifteen years ago. 

Have you ever incorporated music in your writing?

Music strongly influences my writing. When I was writing Becoming, I wanted to have a song threaded throughout the narrative. Portions of the song would pop up from different characters and even from the narrator at times in either lyrical or musical form. It was intended to be a stream of continuity through an otherwise fragmented story. I’m not sure if anyone caught on to that. 

The relationship between music and writing is a complementary one. They both rely on moments that can’t be relived but we search to relive them anyway. That moment when I finished Cormac McCarthy’s The Crossing will always haunt me, but I will never be able to experience that moment the same way again. When I first heard ORIGA’s voice in the song Inner Universe, my guts twisted and my hands started to quiver. It’s like heroin. You’re always chasing that first high. 

Generally, I like to create a song for the story that then becomes part of the narrative. I’m currently working on two new titles that are both heavily influenced by music. Given how quickly I write novels, they should both be out by 2045.

Do you listen to music when you write?

Always. The mood that I’m trying to convey in the work determines what kind of music. If the writing calls for something more ethereal, I’ll listen to ORIGA, Little Dragon, Florence + The Machine, Yoko Kanno, or Michael Hedges. If the writing calls for some crazy-maniacal-blood bath, I’ll put on something a bit heavier like In Flames, Soilwork, Sybreed, Bring Me The Horizon, Opeth, or Katatonia. Or, if I’m just feeling sorry for myself, I’ll put on some Soulsavers or Chris Whitley. 

I even composed a series of songs that were influenced by my first book, Becoming. Originally, they were supposed to be background for an audio book, but then I realized the monumental horror I would unleash if I narrated three hundred plus pages with my monotone lilt. The songs weren’t bad, though. So, I anticipate I’ll eventually get around to releasing them all somewhere. 


While we’re on the topic of writing, tell us about the books you have out and where we can find them.

My overly ambitious work Becoming is available from Amazon in hardcover, paperback, or for Kindle. But I’d rather people purchase it from Powells.com because Amazon is the devil. Becoming is a very violent piece of speculative fiction with elements of fantasy.  The characters of have no memory of who they are/were but find themselves in a reality that is manifested from their dreams and nightmares. They live in a world of their own design, and somehow they even manage to fuck that up.  


(Click above to find Marc's book on Amazon.com, or use the link below to visit Powells.com.  Marc prefers the link below.)

http://www.powells.com


I also have a short story, Uncanny Valley, which doesn’t cost very much and is awesome. It’s only available on Kindle through Amazon. 



Although I have another novel on the way, these are currently my only two stories. There is another writer named Marc Johnson on Amazon, so don’t confuse me with him. He didn’t like my book, and I haven’t read his. 

I’m also the Head Writer/Editor in Chief for TheToneKing.com, which is a site dedicated to guitar gear. So, if guitar be your thing, you’ll want to check that out. 

Let’s keep going with the plugs - Where can we find your music?  Any YouTube links we should see?  (I know there are!  *chuckle*)

There are some vids of these “On The Mark” videos I did for TheToneKing.com. You can hear me play a bit, see my pretty face, and let my soothing tenor wash over you. I wanted to do some videos comparing/contrasting top shelf guitars with their less expensive counter parts. Those can be found here: 



I also have a Soundcloud account, which I don’t use as often as I would like. That can be found here: 


Some people have told me that there’s other stuff of mine floating around out there. I haven’t seen it, but who knows what’s out there. 

Is it true that the guitar players get all the women?  Silly question, I know.  

The groupie hierarchy goes: Singer, Guitarist, Drummer, Horn Section, Bass Player, Roadies, Percussion, and Pianist. So, guitar players get almost all of the women, but not as much as the singers. But, at least we’re not pianists.  


While we’re talking about that, do you ever have guys come in and want music lessons because they think playing a guitar will get them girls?  Does this work out?

A huge part of playing the guitar is attitude. If you think you’re the best guitar player in the world, chances are, everyone else will agree. Same goes for picking up girls. If you act like every girl in the world would be lucky to hang out with you, you’ll probably never go home alone. Only one of my students has ever realized this. I wish I could’ve been so wise at his age.  

Music is sexy. So is writing. They’re both expressions on how people deal with the world around them. And sex is a big part of that. When you’re looking to understand the passions that go into creating these things, you are looking to better understand sex. Most importantly, how to get more of it. 

Are you more of a purist, or have you used music synthesizers before?

I enjoy the sound of grit, dirt, warmth, and things I can sink my teeth into. Which are impossible to get with synth. Synth by its nature is a calculation and an estimation of things that we hear in nature. 

Practically, though, analog is a pain in the ass. You need to be really loud to achieve the right tone and usually you’re getting yelled at by somebody for being too loud. So, when I record, I use computer emulator software that mimics certain sounds that I’m trying to achieve. 

Synth also gives players the ability to orchestrate for as many instruments as you want without having to play a single one of them. I’m terrible at brass instruments, but I can program the shit out of a horn section. 

As far as what I listen to, some of the most exciting stuff that I’ve heard has been synth based. Whether it’s Anime or Film Soundtracks, Dubstep, or bands like Daft Punk, Yelle, Little Dragon, and Yoko Kanno, there’s something intriguing about that point where the synth sounds end and the organic instruments begin. There’s this great song by Yoko Kanno called Fish ~ Silent Cruise that starts out simply with a voice and some strings and slowly morphs into a slow-driving beat with all of these synth sounds that threaten to swallow up everything around them. It’s amazing. 

But, there’s nothing sweeter to me than hearing the resonance of a minor 9th chord played on a guitar as it slowly dissipates to the point where you can hear the notes waver around each other. Synth could never reach that level richness or beauty in timbre. 


And of course, what are you working on right now? 

My second novel, Drugs and Pancakes, should be out early next year if my alcoholic editor can manage to work through the manuscript in between bouts of insanity and cursing my name. 

Drugs and Pancakes is a story of a drug addled youth who is suddenly confronted by a suicidal lesbian. High jinks and hilarity ensue. Lots of drugs, sexual depravity, and inquiries into the nature of human relativity, fear, and interdependability. 

I’m also working on a documentary titled, The Future of Gear. It’s pretty obvious what the subject is by the title. Basically, I’m asking all names big and small in the guitar instrument industry where they think things are headed. The first episode will be available before the end of October. You can watch the teaser here. 



I do have a website dedicated to all of my stuff that I neglect often and update occasionally at http://www.Marcjohnsonbooks.com

You can also follow my awesome tweets @Mjohnsonbooks. 

Or Face my Facebook at Facebook.com/marcjohnsonbooks.