Chinstrap vs The Hard Rock Hotel

I haven’t seen one of my best friends for months.  When I write about him, I call him Chinstrap.  I’ve taken a trip to Disneyland with him and driven from Las Vegas to Laughlin for an overnight trip with him, and he never fails to amuse me.  He always ends up making a trip into a major adventure.

The last time I had seen Chinstrap we were both unemployed and rapidly going broke.  I did end up getting a new job and as for Chinstrap, well he found an original way to make a few bucks.  I went back to work for a casino, Chinstrap went to work for a strip joint, or “Adult Entertainment” as he called it.

While finally finding time to get together and visiting with my friend this last week, he told me a story about his job that had me laughing almost to tears.  I thought I would share that here in my blog.

One of Chinstrap’s duties for this “Adult club” is promotion.  He thinks of ways to bring in new patrons to the strip joint.  One way he does this is to load up a few women into the back of his pickup truck and drive around town very slowly so the women (who are wearing almost nothing) can hand out business cards to people on the street.  Believe it or not, he gets a lot of attention doing this.  Obviously men love to see scantily clad women in the back of a truck trying to hand things out.

And so one night after loading up three women Chinstrap called “Bambi”, “Bubbles”, and “TaTas” into the back of his truck and driving around, Chinstrap came up with an idea. Obviously these aren’t the women’s real names.  Chinstrap said they were “Dancer nicknames” except for “TaTas”. He couldn’t remember that girl’s name and she was pretty well endowed in the chest area, so he just referred to her as TaTas.  *chuckle*

Anyway, on to Chinstrap’s great idea!  He decided that since the Hard Rock Hotel here in fabulous Las Vegas was having some kind of convention or something going on, he could maybe parade his scantily clad women through the casino to hand out the business cards.  He would get a lot of attention that way!  That is true, but you have to understand casinos don’t like this kind of thing.  That would be like walking into a bakery and trying to hand out business cards for your fruit shop.  It’s a bad idea.  *chuckle*  Chinstrap has worked in casino security with me and knows this is a bad idea.  He doesn’t care, it will get him attention.  And so off he goes to the Hard Rock Hotel.

He parks his truck in the parking garage and marches his scantily clad women into the casino.  As soon as they enter, TaTas and the other girls are dancing around and handing out cards and they’re getting major attention from everyone there, just like Chinstrap wanted.  And of course, security also noticed them right away.  Chinstrap sees a man in a suit approaching him and knows it’s probably one of the security managers.  As the manager confronts him, Chinstrap hands him a business card and their conversation goes something like this:

Man in suit:  You can’t hand these cards out in here!

Chinstrap:  Yes I can.  I’m obviously doing it.

Man in suit:  Do you have a driver’s license?

Chinstrap:  Yes.

Man in suit:  Can I see it?

Chinstrap:  Why?  I’m not driving.

Chinstrap knows the man in the suit wants to see his ID so that he can trespass him from the property.  As their conversation goes on, Chinstrap gets louder and louder drawing more attention from the people around them.  That’s just what he wants!  That’s not what the security people want.  *chuckle*  By now a few security officers have shown up and stop the girls from dancing around and handing out the business cards.  TaTas is extremely upset about this!  While he is talking to the man in the suit, Chinstrap begins to notice that TaTas is now taunting the security guards around them.

“Hey, I know you want this!” (Tatas slaps her own behind and then begins to jiggle her ample chest at the security people.)  “Why don’t you just come to the club and pay for some?”

Chinstrap begins to realize that he’s getting a lot of attention, but it’s probably time to leave before security calls the police and he ends up in jail.  He tells the man in the suit that he will leave and take the girls with him.  They begin to head for the exit, but TaTas doesn’t want to leave!  She begins yelling and screaming and calling the security people names.  She says all kinds of inappropriate things!  Chinstrap grabs her by the arm and tries to hustle her to the exit before one of the over anxious security people pulls out handcuffs and tries to cuff her.  Finally she begins to walk on her own without prodding, but asks for the rest of the business cards Chinstrap has.  He thinks he’s helping things by giving her his remaining cards.  TaTas then gets the business cards the other two women had left. 

Now I can almost see this coming.  It’s almost always going to be a bad idea to give an upset woman something to throw.  Chinstrap obviously didn’t think about this at the time.  *chuckle*  And yes, as you might have guessed, TaTas waited until they got to the elevator leading to the parking garage area and then flung the business cards everywhere.  Some of the cards went down the elevator shaft, some into a couple elevators that had their doors open.  The elevator lobby is now littered with hundreds of business cards for this “Adult entertainment” place.  I’m certain security was not happy with this outcome.  Luckily though, Chinstrap made it back to his truck with the girls, loaded them up and drove away from the Hard Rock Hotel.  Just another day, and just another adventure.

His day ended with Chinstrap trying to explain to the three women why they had been thrown out of the Hotel.  They obviously couldn’t seem to understand what they had done wrong.  *chuckle*  And I’m certain one of these days Chinstrap will try making his way into another casino.  Maybe one of these times he’ll invite me along and I’ll try to take some video and pictures.  Hopefully I won’t end up trespassed from somewhere myself.  *chuckle*  But if that happens, it happens.  It will probably be well worth the adventure.

Understanding Women

Women

Are you ready for an analogy?  Men are like rocks and women are like internal combustion engines.  There are many different kinds of men, but we’re basically the same.  We’re usually simple.  There are all kinds of women too, and most of them are extremely complicated and made up of thousands of parts.  Does this sound right?  Well it is.

I’ve made mistakes with women, and had a few victories with them, but I will in no way claim to be an expert in how the female mind works.  I’ve made one girl so angry that she canceled a date we had arranged and refused to go out with me.  I’ve also bought a different girl a gold bracelet for her birthday and watched as she lit up with happiness.  I’ve gotten dirty looks and smiles, been given kind words and swore at, and have seen quite a few sides of quite a few women.  So let’s go over things that I’ve surmised over the years about how a woman’s mind works.

Here’s a nice example:  Two people work in the same office, Tom and Jannis.  They walk into the office in the morning ready to start work.  Tom looks at Jannis and says:

“Good morning Jannis, nice boots!  I really like those!”

Jannis smiles and replies:

“Thank you very much Tom, they’re new.”

Both Tom and Jannis go to their work desks to start their work day and here is what starts going through Jannis’ mind:

He said he liked the boots.  Did he look at the rest of me?  Should I have said more back to him?  I’ll bet he didn’t even look at my hair!  I spent all morning fussing with this hair and he can’t even look at it.  Did he mention the new blouse?  Of course not, he was just looking at the boots.  Why would he bother to look at my blouse when he didn’t even look at my hair?  Was he waiting for me to say more?  Does Tom like me?  Do I like Tom?  I don’t know if I like Tom.  Tom is always nice when I see him.  I wish he would have said something about my blouse, but then why would he?  He doesn’t look at my chest.  He’s always too busy staring at that whore Kim’s chest!  All the men stare at her chest and she’s always throwing those tits out so everyone can see them!  Is she after Tom?  Probably, she seems to be after every other man she sees.  What a bitch, I really hate her!

I’ve been told things like this will go through a woman’s mind in just a few seconds.  So how did she go from “nice boots” to “Kim is a whore”?  What the hell?  If you want to look at it from Tom’s side, more than likely he was thinking:

Wow, she has on nice boots.  I wonder if the coffee has been made yet?

He’s not wondering if Jannis likes him, he wants some coffee.  Does he look at Kim’s cleavage?  Of course he does!  We all look at cleavage, ladies!  You know that and we know that!  It’s a fact of life!  We like cleavage.  But after telling Jannis she had on nice boots, Tom moves on with his day.  We do that, men say something and then move on.  Women will sit for hours trying to analyze what men mean about one sentence.  Usually we just mean we liked the boots.  *chuckle*

Here’s another example;  Tom and Jannis start going out together.  Tom tells Jannis that he’s going to help a friend work on a car and will come over to see her around noon.  Jannis waits and waits, but there is no sign of Tom.  She calls his cell phone a few times, but there’s no answer.  Here we go in jannis’ head again:

Oh my God, I hope nothing’s happened to him.  Should I call the police?  He wouldn’t do something stupid and get arrested, would he?  No he wouldn’t.  Maybe he’s in the hospital.  Or maybe he got hurt working on the car and no one was there to help him?  Maybe both he and his friend got hurt?  Who did he say he was with?  I don’t remember his friend’s name!  Did Tom even tell me his friend’s name?  Oh my God, what do I do if something’s really happened?  Why won’t he call me!  Or at least answer his phone when I call him!  What is wrong with him!  Maybe he went to a bar.  Did he meet some floozy and is spending time with her instead of coming to see me?  Why would he do that?  If he’s not hurt, I’m going to hurt him myself!

Tom finally shows up at Jannis’ house at three o’clock.  By now she’s furious.  She yells “WHERE WERE YOU?  I WAS WORRIED SICK!” at him.  Tom has no idea why she’s so angry.  He tries to explain that he was working on a car with his friend like he told her he was going to be doing.  She says that he was supposed to show up at her house at noon, not whenever the hell he feels like it!  Tom is still clueless.  So he’s a bit late.  He got carried away with the car and forgot the time.  He can’t understand why she’s so upset.  And then here comes the complicated part.  Jannis looks at Tom and says the “F" word:

FINE, you just spend all the time you want with your stupid friends!

Fine is never a good word to hear from a woman.  I would rather have a woman call me all kinds of profanity than hear her say the word fine.  Fine to a man means you’re ok.  Fine from a woman means the world is ON FIRE!  Win her or loser her right here, boys.

So now Tom tries to make things better by apologizing.  He says he’s sorry and it won’t ever happen again.  He’ll make sure he calls her next time.  Meanwhile Jannis is sitting on the couch with her arms crossed.  A woman with her arms crossed is usually a bad sign, too.  She looks away from Tom and says that horrible word again;

Fine.

Tom gives Jannis a curious look and asks, “So, we’re good then?”  Jannis continues to stare off into space refusing to look at Tom and says;

Absolutely, we’re fine.

Tom is in deep shit.  Now a small part of the male brain is sending out alarm signals telling Tom that thing are not right.  Jannis keeps saying the “F” word, but she doesn’t seem like she’s “fine” at all.  Tom was just a few hours late.  This doesn’t make any sense to him.  Now Tom stands there for a few seconds like a deer caught in some headlights.  (If you aren’t familiar with what that means, it means he just stands there not knowing what to do next.)  He’s absolutely stunned and doesn’t know what to do.  If a man is late to his buddy’s house, the buddy usually won’t care.  Hell, if we’re going out, sometimes we’ll even leave the late guy behind!  Then when we see him the next day we tell him how great a time we had without him!  But we don’t get mad usually.  Shit happens and men move on.  Women don’t move on.

They may say they’ll move on, but they don’t.  Even if Tom sits down and talks to Jannis and gets her to forgive him for being late, years later she’s going to bring up the fact that he was three hours late that day and throw it right back in his face.  Oh yes, women will keep things in the back of their minds for years, decades even! 

Damn you Ernie!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten that day in 1901 when you fed my horse beans and she couldn’t stop farting!  You’re a rotten old bastard!

I don’t mean to pick on all the bad things women do.  But these are just some of the complicated parts of them.  If you see me and say “Damn Robert, your hair is really thinning out on top!”  I’m not going to be offended.  My hair is thinning.  I’m not happy about that, but it’s a fact of life.  I’ll agree with you and move on with my day.  If you look at a girl and say to her, “Wow, what happened to your hair?” you’ve just ruined her entire day.  Maybe even her week.  Or month.  Or as I said above, she may remember you said that for decades.  She may pretend to shrug off the remark, but I guarantee you most women will find a mirror somewhere and look at themselves to try and figure out what is wrong with their hair.  There’s really nothing wrong with it, but they can’t believe that.  Some idiot said there was and now they have to figure out what it is.

I’ve had women tell me “Thank you” and give me a kiss on the cheek.  What the hell did I do to earn that?  Only they know.  If I try asking, “What was that for? I get some cryptic answer like “Just for being you” or “It doesn’t matter”.  And to further complicate things, I’m sure there are other women who see that and then start thinking things like,

Oh my God, look at that hussy!  She just kissed him!  Does he like her?  Are they going out?  Should I go kiss him?  I wonder what he would do if I did?  Do I want to kiss him?  I don’t know.  What would she do if I kissed him?  Are they together?  I didn’t think they were, but now I’m not sure.  Should I ask? 

And there’s another complicated thing about women.  Whether they admit it or not, they get jealous.  I can understand if a woman is going out with a guy and sees another woman flirting with him.  That’s easy to get upset about.  But if you have a guy who is just a male friend and a girl talks to him, sometimes women will get upset over that!  I’ve had female friends say things to me like,

You don’t really like her, do you?  She’s not your type.  You might want to think twice before you hang around with her again.  She’s just not right for you.  You deserve better.

What the hell is with all the judgment?  Maybe I DO want a date with Kim (with the huge cleavage)!  Maybe she is my type!  Is my friend being protective, or jealous?  Sometimes it’s hard to say.  I’ll be honest with you and say that when I’ve had single female friends and see them talking to guys I get jealous.  I’ll usually keep my mouth shut, but I will admit to being jealous.  Women play that kind of thing off, though.

No I’m not jealous!  Fine, go out with her!  See if I care!

Alarms going off in my head again.  She said the “F” word!  And what does it mean when she says, “See if I care”?  She obviously cares, or she wouldn’t have said anything.  And what’s with the “fine” remark?  This is now getting overly complicated!  Some girls want to be friends and stay platonic, but if you try to go out with another girl, they get all bent out of shape!  I find myself in trouble just for talking to another girl!  *chuckle* 

I have a lot of female friends in my life now through Facebook.  I probably won’t understand them as much as I’d like, but I do love them all.  So if I’m ever stupid, or make mistakes, forgive me.  And please don’t use the “F” word with me if you can help it.  I don’t like the alarm bells in my head when I don’t know how to shut them off.  *chuckle*

Until tomorrow…Aloha.

Girlfriends

Women I Love to Love

Today I think I’m going to write about girlfriends.  And I don’t mean the girls you take to the movies, and to dinner, and then try to sneak a kiss with in the park later.  I’m talking about women who are friends. 

I had a few girlfriends growing up.  I would always laugh when a lot of these girls would tell me that they don’t have many, if any at all, girlfriends themselves.  I was always told this was because women are catty and jealous of each other and they always create too much drama.  I would have to agree with this statement a lot of the time.  Males don’t create as much drama.  There are always the exceptions to this, take the guy off in a corner crying because someone didn’t like his new hat.  Yes, those guys are out there too, and no I never had any male friends like that.

But getting back to women, the world wide web has changed a lot of things including how many female friends I now have.  I have quite a few that I’ve never even met in person.  I have met quite a few women through Facebook.  They’re friends and live all over the world.  I have some girlfriends in Canada, the United States, the United Kingdom, I think one even lives in France somewhere.  I love seeing pictures they post, and making fun comments when they post something.  And for the most part, these women understand that I can be sarcastic and silly and accept me for what I am. 

Some of these women are married, some have kids, some are even married and have kids! *chuckle*  Anyway, the point of all of this is that they are friends.  I didn’t make friends with them because I thought I might get lucky.  I never expect anything from any of them.  We’re just friends.  So why am I writing about this?

Because some guys don’t seem to think this way.  I’ve lost track of how many times I see one of my female friends posting on Facebook that they ARE NOT AVAILABLE AND THEY DO NOT WISH TO RECEIVE PHOTOS OF MALE PRIVATE PARTS!  … … … I sit here thinking to myself “What the hell is this?”  Really?  Some idiots are sending photos of their private parts to my friends?  Who the hell does this?  And more importantly, WHY would anyone do this?  Are they thinking that once these women see their equipment they’ll do anything?  What the hell is wrong with the world?

Some don’t get pictures, but instead get messages that say things like “I think you’re my soulmate” or “you’re so beautiful, I need to be with you”.  Some of the men sending these kind of messages are hundreds, even thousands of miles away from the women they’re sending them to!  What do they honestly think they are going to get for a response?  “Oh yeah baby, I love the pictures of your hairy ass, I want to be yours now!”

One friend solved this very nicely.  She took a photo of her husband’s junk and sent that back to the guy.  He was smart enough to leave her alone after that.  I’m not sure how to handle messages from idiots like these guys other than to laugh about it and block them, but women aren’t like that.  They aren’t wired that way usually.  Things like this really upset them and when a friend of mine is upset, I’m upset!  This sucks!

Moving onward, some girlfriends I’ve had have just disappeared.  That’s quite a trick considering they’ve had a large internet presence.  How do you just up and go away?  I love the internet and would really miss it!  I wouldn’t even begin to know how to wean myself off this magical thing!  Without giving away names, I met one girl online and was stupid enough to travel hundreds of miles away to move in with her in Minnesota.  Things didn’t work out and within 6 months I was back in Las Vegas.  She had always been online.  Now I can’t find a trace of her.  Maybe she’s dead?  That wouldn’t surprise me at all.  I haven’t seen her in 10 years and it is entirely possible that she either died, or ended up in prison.  Yup, she wasn’t the smartest person and may be in prison. *chuckle*

Another one became quite a surprise.  The first one, the possible prison woman, I had met and left probably over fifteen years ago so the internet really wasn’t the size it is now.  Facebook wasn’t even around.  I met her through MySpace if you can believe that!  Moving on I had another friend just about two years ago.  She was another author and lived on the other side of the country.  Eventually we began talking over the phone, texting, and emailing each other all the time.  I thought we were pretty tight.  She decided she was going to marry another guy and one day I receive a message saying not to text or email her anymore.  So I stopped.  And then she just dropped off the internet.

Now this wasn’t instantaneous.  She disappeared over the course of months, but she just went bye, bye.  I finally figured out that she’s still around, she didn’t disappear, she changed her name.  At least her last name.  She had written a number of books and they’re gone now, too.  That’s a long story that I won’t go into, but how do you just turn your back on friends? 

A few of you who read this might know who I’m talking about.  If you do, don’t mention her name.  If someone wants to leave my life, they’re more than welcome.  It’s just so surprising to me when I get treated like one of those guys who sends out pictures of his junk.  I don’t do that and never treat my girlfriends with anything but respect.  Getting married shouldn’t mean you can’t have me as a friend anymore, especially if you live hundreds of miles away.

Ok, I’ve ranted long enough for this morning.  Disappear if you want to, I’ll find more friends somewhere.  Until tomorrow…Ta!