Yup, once again I was bored and took a trip to Toys R Us to see what kind of toys are out there for the kids of today. My generation had a whiffle ball and bat, a bike, and some stuffed animals. This generation...well...they're spoiled stupid.
Here's a character called "The Joker." He's a maniac, a killer, and not a very nice person! Not the kind of role model you want for a little kid!
Or is he? Let's make some toys based on this guy for little kids! And not just little kids, but toddlers! Hooray!
Need I say anymore about this? Ok, it's just a clown, right? How about this one?
He comes with a bazooka and...I guess large, metal anal probe? What the hell is the metal thing on the left hand side of him? Is it...does it maybe fit into the bazooka like ammo? Then the kid who receives this can shoot the bazooka thing into his eye, or throat, or whatever! Hooray! As a side note here, when I was a kid I really wanted a Cylon fighter ship and little Cylon that would fit in the ship. Before I could ask Mom for one, some kid shot the missiles attached to it down his throat and choked himself. Then his mom sued the toy company and it was removed from the shelves. Thanks, stupid kid!
Here's a good one. It's the Playmobile family boating set. It has a mom and dad, two kids, and all the fun outing stuff you'd need! Fun for the tub, or the pool. And then here comes the damn neighbor kid with the redneck boating set!
Your pretend family is trying to have fun on the pretend lake, and here come these drunken idiots with their huge grappling hook, and their noisy, nasty redneck boat! Can you imagine these idiots zooming by the nice family and throwing beer cans at them? YEEEEEHA!
Ok yes, maybe I'm taking these two toys way too seriously. How about another boating toy? And this one I can't really even figure out:
Ok, which one is the "True Hero?" The squid, or the pirate guy with the black knife? And why is this guy in what looks like a rowboat, anyway? I guess the guy is a hero fighting the squid with his little black knife until the neighbor kids zoom by in their redneck boat and shoot the grappling hook into the squid and then they're the heros, right? Or maybe they hook the little rowboat and sink the pirate guy? (I think my imagination is running away here.)
Now I'm fine with merchandising. George Lucas can in a way be called one of the fathers of this. He was smart enough to keep the merchandising rights to Star Wars and the original figures are now expensive collectables! Brilliant! But...do we really have to merchandise everything now? If a movie comes out, there are toys for it.
These are from the movie Cars 2. The one on the left is a Gremlin. My first car was a Gremlin. They want $8.19 for these things? The Gremlin I had cost me close to that! And now they expect someone to pay that much for a Hotwheels type car that has eyes? Hotwheels used to only be $0.99! What the hell? I've never actually seen a Hotwheels Gremlin, though. I wonder if they're out there?
I did like Toy Story. I liked all three movies. These figures aren't from the movies, though. These are from a short that came on before Cars 2! Are we that desperate for money that we're now going to make an 8 minute, or so clip and then try to sell toys from that?
And last, but not least, how about this? A lie detector for kids. Do you suppose this actually works? Can you see Dad one night sneaking this toy out and trying to question Mom with it? We're really selling a lie detector set to kids? And if it doesn't work, is that supposedly teaching kids that they can beat the machine? Oy.
Ok, that's about it for this trip through Toys R Us. I really do wonder what toys I'd be playing with if I were 10 today. Probably video games.
Oy.
Here's a character called "The Joker." He's a maniac, a killer, and not a very nice person! Not the kind of role model you want for a little kid!
Or is he? Let's make some toys based on this guy for little kids! And not just little kids, but toddlers! Hooray!
Need I say anymore about this? Ok, it's just a clown, right? How about this one?
He comes with a bazooka and...I guess large, metal anal probe? What the hell is the metal thing on the left hand side of him? Is it...does it maybe fit into the bazooka like ammo? Then the kid who receives this can shoot the bazooka thing into his eye, or throat, or whatever! Hooray! As a side note here, when I was a kid I really wanted a Cylon fighter ship and little Cylon that would fit in the ship. Before I could ask Mom for one, some kid shot the missiles attached to it down his throat and choked himself. Then his mom sued the toy company and it was removed from the shelves. Thanks, stupid kid!
Here's a good one. It's the Playmobile family boating set. It has a mom and dad, two kids, and all the fun outing stuff you'd need! Fun for the tub, or the pool. And then here comes the damn neighbor kid with the redneck boating set!
Your pretend family is trying to have fun on the pretend lake, and here come these drunken idiots with their huge grappling hook, and their noisy, nasty redneck boat! Can you imagine these idiots zooming by the nice family and throwing beer cans at them? YEEEEEHA!
Ok yes, maybe I'm taking these two toys way too seriously. How about another boating toy? And this one I can't really even figure out:
Ok, which one is the "True Hero?" The squid, or the pirate guy with the black knife? And why is this guy in what looks like a rowboat, anyway? I guess the guy is a hero fighting the squid with his little black knife until the neighbor kids zoom by in their redneck boat and shoot the grappling hook into the squid and then they're the heros, right? Or maybe they hook the little rowboat and sink the pirate guy? (I think my imagination is running away here.)
Now I'm fine with merchandising. George Lucas can in a way be called one of the fathers of this. He was smart enough to keep the merchandising rights to Star Wars and the original figures are now expensive collectables! Brilliant! But...do we really have to merchandise everything now? If a movie comes out, there are toys for it.
These are from the movie Cars 2. The one on the left is a Gremlin. My first car was a Gremlin. They want $8.19 for these things? The Gremlin I had cost me close to that! And now they expect someone to pay that much for a Hotwheels type car that has eyes? Hotwheels used to only be $0.99! What the hell? I've never actually seen a Hotwheels Gremlin, though. I wonder if they're out there?
I did like Toy Story. I liked all three movies. These figures aren't from the movies, though. These are from a short that came on before Cars 2! Are we that desperate for money that we're now going to make an 8 minute, or so clip and then try to sell toys from that?
And last, but not least, how about this? A lie detector for kids. Do you suppose this actually works? Can you see Dad one night sneaking this toy out and trying to question Mom with it? We're really selling a lie detector set to kids? And if it doesn't work, is that supposedly teaching kids that they can beat the machine? Oy.
Ok, that's about it for this trip through Toys R Us. I really do wonder what toys I'd be playing with if I were 10 today. Probably video games.
Oy.
