Robert Re-writes Irish history

The Middle Ages

What do you suppose happened during the middle ages?  We know a few historical facts, but we really don't know any specifics.  What were those people really doing back then?  I've come across a game called Crusader Kings II that lets you try and run royal families all across Europe during the middle ages.  There's not a whole lot of military strategy or things like that, the whole goal of the game seems to be to keep your family line around as long as you possible can.  In a way, this means you want to be the biggest sex fiend you can be and have as many children as you can.  This actually poses a few problems as your kids may end up fighting over who gets to be the next heir to whatever throne or title you have.  Maybe one of your kids may even try to kill you so they can take over.  And so here we go with my own "Game of Thrones" episode!

First off let me say that I started out trying to play as a historical figure in Italy and I got my butt kicked because there is still so much I don't know about this game.  And so I re-started as an Earl in Ireland.  To start off I will be playing as Earl Dunchad of Ormond.

All or most of the names here should be pretty much historically accurate.  Or not, I really don't know that much about Irish history.  But my Earl starts out in this small province called Ormond.  I don't have any Dukes or Kings above me and am running my little province as an independent territory for the moment.  First things first, my Earl is 24 years old and single.  He needs a wife so he can start having kids.  But who to marry him off to?  

I find out that a "Princess Ximena" of a place called Navarra is single and arrange a marriage with her.  That will give my Earl a lot of prestige to marry a princess!  And here she is:

Ok, to be truthful that's not really who the Earl married.  That's actually Miss Xemena Navarrete.  She's a Miss Universe.  *chuckle*  The name is pretty close though, you have to admit!  Actually Princess Ximena probably looked more like this:

Now the first part of this is going to be a bit slow.  I thought things would heat up quickly, but they didn't.  My Earl had two sisters.  I married them off to kings.  Arranged marriages can be fun!  I married one sister named Sile off to the King of Scotland.  I figured this would be a good move to have family in the Scottish royal court.  That didn't work out for long as the king died shortly after the marriage and my sister wanted me to then marry her off to someone else.  This time no kings were available and I had to marry her off to some other Earl.  I married the other sister off the the king of Asturias, where ever that is.  I had no idea, but he was a king, so it seemed a good deal.

The Earl had one brother.  i married him off and he started having kids right away.  I'm married to the Ximena woman, but wasn't seeming to have kids!  How am I going to have an heir if I don't have any children!  Damn!  My brother began banging kids out immediately.  He has a son named Selbach.  then he has a son named Scoan.  What the hell?  He's popping out kids left and right and I'm still trying to have my first!  Finally though my wife gets pregnant!

I end up with a son, but don't want to go with the Irish name the computer wants to name the kid.  At least I think it was Irish?  I don't know.  Anyway, I name the kid Wally.  Now things began to go bad in Scotland and the new king doesn't like me much.  It's a good thing Scotland is a ways away from where I am.  Screw their new king!  *chuckle*  Wife gets pregnant again and has another son.  I name this one Elmo.

Now in my "court", my mother is the "Spymaster".  It's always nice to have family watching your back, and Mom is pretty good at intrigue!  Along comes this kid named "Brian" and he wants to take over Mom's job.  I tell him no and send him on his way.  My Earl finds himself wandering around a village and sees some drunks having a brawl.  He goes over to participate and wipes the floor with the drunks.  He's not too bad at defending himself!  Very nice!  He catches and beheads a spy.  We're doing ok, if living an pretty bland and mostly uneventful life.  Finally the Earl's mom dies at age 57.  She was old, infirm and insane by then and a new guy named "Bundachan" becomes the new spymaster.  I don't think he's as good as Mom was, but he'll have to do for now.

Ximena has another son and by now I'm a bit bored and name the kid Moose.  I don't seem to be taking these names very seriously, but on the good side, I have a few heirs for the Earl.  Ximena ends up pregnant, but not by me.  That whore was screwing around on the Earl!  How dare she!  And it was with the Earl's Chancellor, a guy named "Mael-Fathardaig"!  I had thought the Earl might do some screwing around, but not his wife!  What a horrid turn of events!  Her bastard daughter is named "Munia".  I'll have to figure out what to do with her when she gets older.

The Earl apparently can't keep his hands off of Ximena and promptly jumps back into bed with her again.  Shortly after that he dies at age 41.  Now his heir will take over the kingdom.

That's for another blog, though.  We'll check in on the reign of "Earl Wally Mac Dunchad of Omond" in another blog.  For now, stay bored.