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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Sports the way I want them

     Let's face it, professional sports are being ruined.  The NFL is in a lock out, the NBA is going to be in a lock out, baseball had two strikes years ago.  Money has ruined everything.  I think it's time for me to watch golf, but I want a few changes:

     First, I want "enhancers" legalized for the sport.  And not just enhancers, I want anabolic steroids not only legalized, I want them mandatory!  I want to see a guy who can hit a 600 yard drive and then after he misses a putt go nuts and start attacking the spectators!  I want this guy to be my favorite golfer:

     Here he is on the first tee, Mr...ah...Graaaaaahhh Gmmmmbble!  At first, he misses the ball completely and then starts attacking a nearby tree.  Then, after he knocks the tree down, he goes running back and smashes the golf ball 625 yards!  Unfortunately, the hole he's golfing on is only 225 yards long.  He runs over to the hole and can't find his ball.  Now he goes nuts, breaks the flag in the hole, and starts attacking his caddy.

     How about that?  Doesn't that sound more fun?  I want Lyle Alzado golf!  If you don't know who he was, he played pro football.  He did a lot of steroids and played 15 years of football.  Then he died of brain cancer at 43.  I can remember reading somewhere that when he was playing for Oakland, each day during practice a "Roach Coach" sandwich truck would pull up outside the stadium.  If Lyle didn't get the first sandwich from the truck, he would attack whoever did.  Now that's football!  Or at least steroid football...ok, steroid roach coach fun.  But still, if he were still alive, he could be part of a celebrity roid golf tournament!

     I'm sure there will be people reading this who will want to call me names, and say I'm making fun of a really dark part of sports.  But these guys did this stuff to themselves.  Another part of the "win at any cost" mentality.  And whether you like it, or not, I still want to see steroid golf!

     Here's Chi-Chi Rodriguez.  He doesn't golf anymore, he got too old, I think.  But he was fun!  Chi-Chi wasn't full of steroids, but when he would sink a really good putt, he would wave his putter around like he was sword fighting!  Yay, Chi-Chi!  Where is that in sports anymore, let alone golf?  I never heard anything bad about all...EVER!  He was fun, and a good guy.  So if you won't let me have roid golf, how about we get more guys like Chi-Chi in the tournaments?  They may not golf well, but they won't be boring!  (And that's not to say that Chi-Chi wasn't any good, either!  He won 8 titles on the PGA Tour between 1963 and 1979, and is in the golf hall of fame!  I checked wikipedia.)

     So what the hell was I even writing about, anyway?  Oh yeah, how bad sports have become and what would help me watch golf.  Let's end this with a few...gems from sporting's past:

Bo Jackson.  He played both football for the Oakland Raiders, and baseball for the Kansas City Royals.  After striking out, he would routinely break his bat over his knee.  Yahoo!

Deon Sanders.  Famous for his football play, he also actually played pro baseball!  And was actually pretty good at both sports, too!  People either loved, or hated Deon (And still today as a commentator, people hate him.), but they can't deny he had a LOT of talent!

Finally, Jim Abbott.  This guy was born with only one hand, his left.  And still, he pitched in major league baseball!  And before you think the California Angles were just being nice letting him play, he also pitched for the New York Yankees, Chicago White Sox, and the Milwaukee Brewers!  He played pro ball from 1989 to 1999.  I do remember seeing him pitch on tv a couple of times, and he was really good!  So there!  One hand, and he struck guys out!  HA, that's what I want to see!

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