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Saturday, December 25, 2010

How to annoy Vegas hookers

     I've been in Security for almost 8 years now, and have dealt with a lot of hookers in Las Vegas.  Actually, you can't really call them hookers because most of them get guys drunk, take them back to their hotel room, and then rob them after they pass out.  So they really aren't having sex for money, they're just female thieves.

     Anyway, after watching them, and dealing with them for as long as I have, I have a few suggestions if you happen to be taking a trip to Las Vegas and would like to have a bit of fun annoying these...women.  This should be really fun!  If you're a guy, you won't have to seek these girls out, they'll find you.  Trust me, sit at a bar in the middle of a busy casino all by yourself and they'll show up and start talking to you.  When one does, just start in like this:

1.  When she starts talking to you, tell her you really like her, but your wife is sitting at a table behind you.  When she turns around to look, yell as loud as you can, "NO, DON'T LOOK AT HER!"

2.  This one is a bit complicated, but still should be really fun.  Watch the bar and find the largest (fattest) girl you can that is talking to all the men sitting at the bar.  Go and start talking to her.  If she decides to give you a price, or maybe says she'd like to go back to your room, take her up on it.  Now, go up into the hotel hallways, but don't go to your room.  Start telling her that you have to get to your room quickly before your roommate gets back, and get her jogging up and down the hallways.  At the end of each hallway, tell her you thought your room was there, but it's in a different hallway.  Keep her jogging around the halls for as long as you can.  See if you can get her out of breath.  When she finally has enough, and tells you she's leaving, yell "OH SHIT, IT'S SECURITY!" and run like hell!  She'll more than likely run again, too.

Now, after she leaves, go back to the bars downstairs and try to find her again.  If you do, try and pick her up again!  Tell her you know where your room is now, and if she actually follows you, jog her around some more!  She'll come if she thinks you have a lot of cash in the room.  Tell her you couldn't figure out the hotel room safe and so the $5,000 cash you brought with you is in a sock under your pillow.  Quite a few will follow you.

3.  If you're able to pick one up in the bar, especially if she's quoted you a price, take her up to your hotel room, but ask her to wait outside for a few minutes while you get rid of your roommate.  Then go inside your room and call security.  Tell them there is a strange woman outside your room and she won't leave you alone!  Ask for help and sound all panicked.  Security will show up and take her away.

4.  Find where the Security Podium is in the casino.  Now go and let a hooker pick you up in a bar and tell her you need to get some money from an ATM.  Instead of going to an ATM, walk her over to the Security Podium, and announce as loud as you can, "This woman has agreed to have sex with me for money!  Do you have a house doctor that can check her for diseases?"  Be forewarned, this will not go over well with either security, or the hooker, but it'll be funny, I promise!

     Yes, these ideas are very rude.  But let's remember that these women are in the casinos and bars to rob men.  Most have been in and out of jail quite a bit.  If they get the chance, they'll take everything you have.  So remember that if you start feeling sorry for them.  They are out there so frequently that there are even security officers who know a lot of them by name.  "Hi Bambi, you know you aren't supposed to be in here.  Time to head out!"

     So have fun with them, but use a lot of caution.  Some of them do carry weapons, pepper spray, and who knows what else.  There is also a percentage of girls working the Las Vegas Strip who have AIDS!  Yes, I said AIDS.  So while this blog is fun and might make you laugh, in all honesty, leave the working girls alone.  Prostitution is a two way street and I usually won't feel bad for some idiot who take a hooker up to his room, falls asleep, and then wakes up to find all his money and stuff gone.

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