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Friday, January 7, 2011

Convention mania!

     It's January and the start of a new year.  2011 starts out with a bang and the Consumer Electronics Show is in Las Vegas and will be showing off all the newest electronic stuff of the year!  And I can't go to it.  Invitation only.  That's sucks!  I can see some things on tv, but it's not like really being there.  I can't really see the 3-D tvs and how they work, I can't play with the new cell phone types that are coming out.  But I guess everything will be in stores in a few months anyway.  I still probably won't be able to play with the stuff though, because I probably won't be able to afford any of it!

     But there's another convention in town, too.  It always comes at the same time as CES.  It's the Adult Entertainment Expo.  And yes, it's exactly what you think it is!  Ha Ha!  All the porn people are here!  (Well, the porn people are always here in Vegas, but now there's a convention full of them!)

     So now what kinds of things will you get to see here?  The usual: you can meet porn stars, go to booths promoting porn movies and take pictures and get autographs from the stars, they give out free stuff like cds, dvds, posters, and all kinds of things.  And then there's the weird stuff.  Before you ask, no I didn't go to this.  I had to work.  If I wasn't working, I do wonder myself if I might have actually gone to see it.  I mean how many times do you actually get the chance to go to something like this?  So what the hell, right?  Nasty, but still a new experience.  It would have probably been more fun when I was in my 20's, though.

     In checking in to this...expo, I found a few really...different things.  How about this?

     Please tell me what this is.  Those aren't...they can'  Do you suppose it has it's own fake saliva?  I mean, it wouldn't feel right to just be whacked with a bunch of fake tongues if there wasn't any saliva, right?  RIGHT?  Oh man, I am SO creeped out by this right now!  On the other hand, if I saw this spinning, and someone bending over in front of it, I don't think I would be able to stop laughing!

     And, of course, there's the "Welcome to Vegas" doll.

     Are these the weirdest things, though?  Oh no, not by a long shot!  After 4 years in the U.S. Air Force I can say that I've seen my share of pornography.  I've seen movies with fat chicks, and midgets.  I've seen a "horse show" and even a movie of a girl with a great dane.  And those are weird, yes.  But are you really ready for weird?  Are you ready for...ROXXXY the sex doll?

     Roxxxy talks and responds to you.  She responds when you touch her.  She's programmed to know where you touch her.  And strangest of all, Roxxxy is programmed with five different personalities:

Wild Wendy - Outgoing and adventurous.  She'll encourage anything you do to her.

S&M Susan - This one likes...pain/pleasure?  (What the hell?  A doll that likes to be beat up?)

Young Yoko - The description says "Barely 18, and ready to be taught."  Wow, how...illegal?

Mature Martha - Experienced teacher.  Via Youtube, I actually heard this one say, "I've been around the block a few times."  Does that this one a used doll?  Like a friend of mine would say, "Ewwwww!"

And my ultimate favorite, the one I can't figure out why you would want at all:

Frigid Farrah - The description says "Reserved and shy."  But on one video a guy touched the doll, and it replied back to him, "Don't touch me there."  You need a doll to tell you that?  You can't just find real women to tell you not to touch them?  How...creepy!  "Put your pants back on!  I just want to think about work!  Stop it!"  Someone will actually pay for a doll that says this to them.  I can easily find real women who will treat me like shit, and for free, too!

     I guess the doll was designed with some movement.  To me, it just looked like it kind of rocked back and forth.  They bent her (it?) over a chair and then filmed it while it rocked back and forth for a bit.  Shortly after the video started though, a tech came into the frame, removed the wig from the doll, and opened the head, which really creeped me out!

     The doll supposedly has a heartbeat and a working circulatory system.  It's (sorry, I can't call a doll "she") supposed to feel warm, and the skin supposedly feels real.  How do you make fake skin feel real? "It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again!"  Sorry, Jodie Foster moment.  And what can you expect to pay for this wonder of woman replacement?  Well, it, she, or they are on sale!  Only $2,995.00!  How about that?  Let's get our check books out!  Who needs a brand new 3-D tv that can be controlled by my cell phone when I can have a sex doll that tells me no instead?  If you want the male version, it's only $1,495.00.  There weren't any pictures of those, though.  I'm not even sure if the males had personalities, either.  I'm sure the male doll doesn't say no!  or maybe it does?  Maybe I need to buy one of each, set them on a couch next to each other, and then watch them argue.

"Don't touch me!"

"Don't touch me either!"

"I don't want to sit next to you!"

"I can't move, but you're a bitch!"

"You're so mean, I hate you!"

     Arguing dolls.  And all for around $4,500.00 after sales tax.  Just what the world needs.  So what the hell was I writing about in the first place here?

     Oh yeah, CES is in town!  Wow, I wish I could go to that and see all the neat, new, electronic stuff!  I'll just pretend it's the only convention here, too.  And since I can't go anyway, because I have to work, I'll just pretend that if I wanted to, I could actually get in.



  1. Oh, be honest- you would've You have quite a fascination with the "ladies" there, didn't you? Roxxy, Susan and But wait! Where's a picture of you and a porn star? Hmmm, in your private collection and chose not to share with your adoring audience? We're deeply hurt ♥

  2. Had I been in Vegas at the time I would have dragged your ass there!