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Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Steam

Because someone asked me about "butt prints on a window."  I don't think that's in the blog, but this is the trip it happened on.  And since this is Matthew"s (Chinstrap) favorite blog, I thought I'd post it again here.  (It's also in my blog book, Vegas Ramblings!)

The Steam

On Monday a friend and I decided we needed to blow off some steam. What does this mean? Well, for us it meant we made reservations in a casino/hotel in Laughlin, Nevada. We went there thinking it would be a nice room, maybe a nice Jacuzzi tub to sit in, gamble a bit and just relax. We had rented the best suite a hotel called the "Aquarius" would let us have and made the 100 mile drive from Vegas thinking things would be fun! Well, when things get off to a bad start, they sometimes go from bad to worse.

I was supposed to pick my friend up at his house. I don't like cell phones much, but I have a little MPA that I can send text messages from. So, after work I took a little nap so I would be rested for the drive and sent him a text message. No answer. What the hell, he can't answer me? I sent a few more as I got gas for the trip. Nothing. I drove over to his house, but his truck was gone and nobody answered the door! How dare he do this to me! I located someone else's cell phone and called him up. He answered and said he didn't get the text messages I had sent. I drove back to his house and this time found him, and off we went to Laughlin.

To keep things anonymous and confusing I'll call my friend "Chinstrap." Chinstrap couldn't understand why he didn't get the text messages and so called the cell phone company on the drive to Laughlin. He argued with somebody for 50 miles of the drive! All the way to a place called Searchlight, Nevada! As I stopped in Searchlight to pee and take a nice break he continued to argue on the phone for at least a half hour more. The argument stopped after I got back on the road and was so far out in the desert that no communication signals were receivable at all.

As we pulled into Laughlin, Chinstrap started to scream about how hot it was! "Oh the heat!" He kept crying, "It's killing me!" He then produced a fly swatter which he began waving around. I parked in the Aquarius garage and listened to Chinstrap cry on the short walk inside about the heat. He then became upset in the casino when he didn't see anyone under the age of about 80. We walked up to the front desk and the clerk asked if he could help us. Chinstrap smacked him in the face with the flyswatter. I asked Chinstrap, "Did you get it?" and he answered "Get what?"

The clerk was a good sport and checked us in and gave us the keys to our "suite." It was on the third floor in a building that you supposedly had to be at least 21 years of age to enter. Why? I never figured that out, but it was written on all the entry doors. As we entered our room we couldn't wait to check out the view! We walked inside and slung open the row of curtains to see.....a wall. And not just a wall, but a filthy wall. We were staying in a suite with a view of a filthy wall. Chinstrap immediately picked up the phone and called housekeeping to demand more towels.

If you didn't mind the view of the wall, the room was pretty nice. It had a nice kitchenette and a separate bedroom with two beds inside. There wasn't a Jacuzzi though, just a small bathtub/shower combo in a small bathroom. We unloaded our small overnight bags and decided to drive across the river to Arizona and a local Walmart to get some supplies. On the drive we were surprised to see a homeless man alongside the road wearing only a burlap sack. Chinstrap almost fell out of the car trying to get out his camera. Unfortunately he didn't get it out in time. He kept screaming, "I'm an educated man, but I wouldn't even know where to find a burlap sack like that!"

Once inside Walmart we proceeded to pick out snacks and things to munch on for our short trip. As we walked through the store I heard Chinstrap say to one woman, "No amount of cuetips will help you, lady." Another woman said, "Oh, I must be in the wrong aisle!" Chinstrap replied to her, "Wrong aisle? Try the wrong planet, honey!" I decided it was time to speed up getting the snacks and go back to the hotel.

Upon returning to the hotel Chinstrap again called for more towels. This time he also asked for more pillows, three more bathmats, more shampoo, and two more tv remote controls. Housekeeping happily brought everything up and I piled it all in a corner of the room. After stowing our supplies we decided to check out a couple of the other local casinos. On our way out Chinstrap stopped at a bar and got himself a shot of whiskey and a beer. We walked outside and headed for a hotel next door called the Riverside and for the entire walk Chinstrap waved around his flyswatter and screamed not only about the heat, but also about how he didn't like the way Laughlin smelled. We entered the Riverside and once again there wasn't anyone under about 80 years old. Chinstrap was once again upset about this. He went over to one of the bars and got another shot of whiskey and a beer. We decided to move on to another casino to see if there were maybe younger people somewhere else.

We came across a dump called Edgewater. As we went inside, Chinstrap was actually behaving. We walked up to a bar and ordered drinks (Pepsi for me and whiskey and a beer for Chinstrap), however before we were served a security guard came up and asked what the flyswatter was. Chinstrap looked at me and I looked at the guard and I told him it was a Cheese factory. The guard asked where I was staying, but before I could answer, Chinstrap yelled out, "Hey! Where can I get a burlap sack to wear? You people have incredible fashion sense!" The guard looked confused and again asked where we were staying. I answered, "We're staying at the Cheese Factory, of course!" We were then asked to leave. On the way out Chinstrap kept asking people where the Burlap Sack Store was. Upset at being asked to leave somewhere just because Chinstrap was carrying a flyswatter, we went back to our hotel room. On the way to the room Chinstrap got another whiskey shot and another beer from our hotel bar. Once at the room I took my turn and called housekeeping for more towels, a few more bathmats and four more pillows.

The room didn't seem as cool as we would like it, so Chinstrap called the front desk and asked for someone to come to the suite to check the air conditioning. He then called housekeeping for more towels, more bathmats, and several more pillows. The pile in the corner was becoming quite large! Chinstrap also called for a bellman. I asked him why and he screamed "I demand to know where the Burlap Sack Store is!" He was becoming quite drunk. An engineer showed up to check the air conditioner and actually told us that part of it had been disabled! She said she had fixed it and it should cool down shortly. Chinstrap then began screaming lines from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas at her. "That man is my attorney!" he yelled, "And despite his racial handicap..." The engineer hurried out of the room before he could finish. He then called housekeeping for more towels and also asked if they had any burlap towels.

At about 3 A.M. Chinstrap decided he wanted to go back to the casino. I could gamble a bit while I kept my eye on Chinstrap who was now extremely intoxicated. We went to a bar in the center of the hotel and he ordered more whiskey and more beer. We were playing the poker machines at the bar so the bartender didn't charge us for the drinks. Then Chinstrap saw a slot tech girl that actually looked young! He hurried over to chat with her. I watched from the bar and after a minute or so of him waving around his flyswatter, I walked a bit closer to see if I could hear what he was saying to her. I got near them just in time to hear him ask her if she could send up more towels to our room. I coaxed him away from her and we went back up to the room to find a pile of delivered towels sitting outside our door.

Now Chinstrap decided he would actually take a shower. After the shower he started screaming at me from the bathroom to order more towels because he had flooded the bathroom. He told me the shower curtain kept touching him and so he had it hanging on the outside of the tub instead of inside it. Hence water went down the curtains and onto the bathroom floor. I called housekeeping and asked for more towels and several more bathmats and a few more pillows. Also a couple more tv remotes just to be safe.

All in all it wasn't a bad trip. Chinstrap told me when he got home he was going to call the hotel and complain about the view of the wall, but one thing he can't complain about would be the service. If you like towels and are in Laughlin, stay at the Aquarius. If nothing else, the service there is wonderful! I think the final count of things we had sent up was something like 22 pillows, 45 towels, 18 bathmats, 6 tv remote controls, an engineer and a partridge in a pear tree!

I have much less steam now. Everyone should blow off steam.

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