Robert's Toybox

     Yesterday I went to Toys R Us.  It's been so long since I looked at toys, and just really wanted to see what kids today are playing with.  Back when I was a kid, some of my favorites were a whiffle ball and bat, a baseball, and a football.  I had the old vibrating football game.  You know, the one where you set up all the players, turn it on and then they just kind of bounce around, but don't really do anything?  It was completely senseless.

     I'm almost tempted to buy another one of these, but honestly wouldn't know what the hell to do with it.  The toys today are a bit more...modern?  I was so amused while I was walking around.  The things we have for today's kids are just insane.  Is it any wonder why kids today have Attention Deficit Disorder?  Look at the stuff we start them out with:

     Look at this thing!  Now you put a toddler in one of these and he, or she, is surrounded by color, and music (if you want to call it that) and neat stuff, and then after they get older we expect them to sit behind a bland desk while a teacher writes stuff on a blackboard.  I have nothing against teachers, but how do you compete with this?  Is it any wonder kids don't pay attention?  Moving on, though...

     The first thing I really looked at were Legos.  I didn't have many legos when I was a kid because my mom said they were too expensive.  And in her defense, they really are.  Oh, looking at them now, I'd love to have some of these!  The boxes look so cool, who wouldn't want to build and play with this stuff?

     These two were something like $69.00.  I can't pay that as an adult for something I probably wouldn't take the time to actually build, and even if I did, what the hell would I do with them then?  They're still neat as hell, though!  And as for a kid?  How the hell many kids are going to sit down and actually follow the instructions to build what's on the box here?  How many kids do you think would actually have the patience?  $69.00 worth of patience?  I don't think so!  Maybe after mom, or dad had spent 25 hours putting it together with them they would play with it and have it torn apart in 20 minutes.  (Not that it wouldn't be fun to tear apart a Lego ship and pretend it had crashed!)  But still...that's pretty expensive.  I moved on to check out a few Barbie dolls.

     Oy.  You know, if you wonder why girls seem to be using makeup at younger and younger ages, take a look at this:

     1966 my ass.  No doll looked like this back in 66!  Look closely at the doll's face: What is this, Excessive Eye Makeup Barbie?  "Fashionable on any runway!"  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  So this...Stewardess Barbie runs around outside of planes out on the runway?  And this isn't the worst one.  Oh...wait until you see what the hell happened to Ken...

     ... ... ... What do I even say about this?  "Sweet Talkin' Ken?"  You know, it's really hard to represent a toy as...well, gay, but...LOOK AT THE SHIRT IT HAS ON!  "Ultimate Boyfriend?"  And the poofy hair?  What the hell happened the Ken doll that actually looked somewhat manly?  I'd heard the rumors about him, but wow.  I don't even believe this!  This was enough to send me screaming from the Barbie aisle!  I ran looking for a G.I. Joe, but there was only one...Ninja Joe, or something like that.  No huge selection anymore.  I was SO disappointed!  But I did find this:

     A Hannibal Lecter doll.  Complete with bloody mouth!  Isn't this just what every kid needs?  Invited to dinner at Barbie's Dreamhouse?  Bring your new friend Hannibal and take care of Ken, the "Ultimate Boyfriend!"  I'm sure I could do jokes all day about this, but I'll just let it speak...or eat...for itself.

     I grew up with one brother.  He was my younger brother.  We used to wrestle, and fight, and pound on each other.  Ok, yes, I used to pound on him.  But that's what brothers do, isn't it?  Boys pound on each other.  But imagine if mom had bought me this for Christmas:

     Who the hell needs this?  This would have been a TON OF FUN until I set it up in a doorway and peppered my little brother with nerf shells and mom took it away.  How long would that have lasted me, maybe 10 minutes?  9 minutes of that setting it up in the doorway, waiting for little brother?  (Note the kid on the cover laying on the floor, waiting for someone to walk by.)  $44.99 for a toy mom would have to take away right away.  I did have a few dart guns as a kid.  They weren't belt fed, though.  And yes, I do believe they were taken away from me.  Come on, mom!  He still has his eyes, a dart with a suction cup on the end can't really put his eye out, can it?  Sheesh!

     I found some vehicles while walking around.  Cars for what looked like 2 year olds.  What the hell does a 2 year old need a car for?  Hey, I had a neat, little, electronic motorcycle when I was little, and it was a lot of fun!  But I outgrew it by about...2 1/2.  Not that it wasn't fun anymore, it was just made for someone who weighed about 25 pounds.  I didn't stay 25 pounds for long.  Look at this one, though.  Can you imagine a couple of toddlers cruising through your newly planted garden in this?  Maybe over the neighbor's flower bed?  They've gotta go in dirt, I mean look at it!  They can run over dogs and cats, plow into the walls if you put it inside, it's just a destruction machine!  And all for only $399!!

     But after all the crazy stuff, after all the twisted and violent toys I saw, I found the one thing I really liked.  The one thing that drives parents insane.  Especially when little kids get ahold of them.  This last one is an "Uncle, or Aunt" toy.  Maybe a grandparent toy, even.  Because as soon as the person who bought it leaves, the parents grab this kind of thing up, and either hide it, or toss it in the trash!  Anybody have a few kids I can play with this stuff with?  Do you have earplugs?  *chuckle*

     YES!  It's a Spongebob Squarepants Music Parade set!  Actually, it's a set of colorful, annoying, noisy, set of noisemakers!  You find a few two year olds, and parade around the house beating on this stuff and making as much noise as you can!  Parents say these are "outside toys" but it's much more fun to use them inside!  $29.99?  Yes, I'll pay that!  For something to take over to my niece's place? Hell yeah!  Too bad she's a teenager now!  *chuckle*  Oh wait, Matt still has a kid who's about to turn 3!  I may need to go back and pick this up!  The one toy that really looks fun!  Wow.