News for Numbskulls
Whenever I take a trip somewhere and people find out I live in
Las Vegas (Actually Henderson, Nevada which is a suburb of Vegas), they always
ask why I left and think living here must be so exciting! In some ways it is exciting, but probably not
for the reasons you might think. Living
in Las Vegas is exciting because you never know if you’re going to get robbed,
ran over by a car, or shot by someone.
Do I sound overly dramatic yet? After living here for a while you sometimes stop
noticing all the bad things that are in the news. Every day there seems to be either someone
shot, robbed, or killed in a car wreck here.
Now people may tell you that drivers are crazy where they live, but are
there this many accidents? And a lot of
time the accidents don’t even involve more than one vehicle! Here are a few incidents from just this past
week:
Why would you even try to cross a busy freeway? I’ve driven 70 miles an hour on the freeways
here and people still pass me like I’m standing still! And this woman tried to walk across one. Brilliant.
The article notes at the end that there were four traffic related deaths
this weekend. Wow.
Let’s take a look at another fatality from this
weekend. This one is a few brilliant
young people. Ever wonder why they came
up with something called the Darwin Awards?
It’s because of people like this.
If you haven’t heard of the Darwin Awards, Google them. Both amusing and frightening at the same time. Anyway, on to the injuries!
Who knew it wouldn’t be safe to try and surf on the
hood of a car driven by someone who was really drunk? I mean it sounds safe, doesn’t it? You can’t get hurt when you’re young…and
drunk….and stupid…and…ok, yes you can get hurt.
You can get very hurt as these idiots found out. I’m sure the girl who was driving will cry at
her court hearing and say “I didn’t think anyone would get hurt!” The first three words in that sentence are at
least correct.
Ok, enough of car accidents.
I don’t even want to think about those anymore. It’s bad enough I have to drive to work on
these streets! Let’s see what else is in
the news here. It’s got to be something
exciting, right? After all, this is Las
Vegas!
What…what
the hell? What is this? This news is from Dallas, Texas! Why is this in my Las Vegas news
section? It does sound like something
that would happen here, though. There
are a number of homeless people here who are HIV positive and like to threaten
other people with that.
To hell
with it then, forget Vegas. Let’s look
at some national news. We’re coming up
on elections here in America and I’m sure there will be some news about
that. I mean national news should be
really interesting, right? Uh…damn. I don’t even believe this one.
Is this a
news article or a question? I guess Mike
Seidel had to go and figured there was no better place to piss than in the snow
right there. So do you suppose it was
cold out where Mike was? Did his penis
shrivel up while he was trying to water the weeds? I should email him and ask. In fact, let’s all email Mike Seidel and tell
him what a rude pig he is for pissing outside on national television! Let’s tell the station manager!
Honestly
I did go to the Weather Channel web page, but there isn’t an email listed for
you to send any complaints. I’m sure
they don’t want to hear any complaints from anyone. There is however a “Feedback” section here:
I’m so
tempted to leave a comment asking for their weathermen to be potty
trained. Maybe teach them that it’s not
appropriate to piss outdoors. I’m sure
you’re now asking yourself if I’ve ever pissed outdoors. Yes I have, but never on camera. If you’re going to do the weather on tv you
should at least keep your pants zipped up until your report is finished!
Oh hey,
they found some bones at nearby Lake Mead!
Human bones! Fabulous.
The ad
that comes on is ten times as long as the news story! And you can’t really call this much of a “story”
anyway, can you? It’s basically a
sentence long. Why is there even
video? The written part says the “bones”
belong to Charles Finely III. I wonder
what happened to the other two?
Ok, I’ve
had enough of news for today. Time to
start racking my brain about what I’ll blog about tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll come up with some more
senseless shit. Until then stay safe and
don’t let anyone find your bones in a lake after pissing in the snow.
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