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Sunday, November 2, 2014

News or not?

News for Numbskulls
Whenever I take a trip somewhere and people find out I live in Las Vegas (Actually Henderson, Nevada which is a suburb of Vegas), they always ask why I left and think living here must be so exciting!  In some ways it is exciting, but probably not for the reasons you might think.  Living in Las Vegas is exciting because you never know if you’re going to get robbed, ran over by a car, or shot by someone.

Do I sound overly dramatic yet?  After living here for a while you sometimes stop noticing all the bad things that are in the news.  Every day there seems to be either someone shot, robbed, or killed in a car wreck here.  Now people may tell you that drivers are crazy where they live, but are there this many accidents?  And a lot of time the accidents don’t even involve more than one vehicle!  Here are a few incidents from just this past week:

Why would you even try to cross a busy freeway?  I’ve driven 70 miles an hour on the freeways here and people still pass me like I’m standing still!  And this woman tried to walk across one.  Brilliant.  The article notes at the end that there were four traffic related deaths this weekend.  Wow. 

Let’s take a look at another fatality from this weekend.  This one is a few brilliant young people.  Ever wonder why they came up with something called the Darwin Awards?  It’s because of people like this.  If you haven’t heard of the Darwin Awards, Google them.  Both amusing and frightening at the same time.  Anyway, on to the injuries!

Who knew it wouldn’t be safe to try and surf on the hood of a car driven by someone who was really drunk?  I mean it sounds safe, doesn’t it?  You can’t get hurt when you’re young…and drunk….and stupid…and…ok, yes you can get hurt.  You can get very hurt as these idiots found out.  I’m sure the girl who was driving will cry at her court hearing and say “I didn’t think anyone would get hurt!”  The first three words in that sentence are at least correct.

Ok, enough of car accidents.  I don’t even want to think about those anymore.  It’s bad enough I have to drive to work on these streets!  Let’s see what else is in the news here.  It’s got to be something exciting, right?  After all, this is Las Vegas!

What…what the hell?  What is this?  This news is from Dallas, Texas!  Why is this in my Las Vegas news section?  It does sound like something that would happen here, though.  There are a number of homeless people here who are HIV positive and like to threaten other people with that. 

To hell with it then, forget Vegas.  Let’s look at some national news.  We’re coming up on elections here in America and I’m sure there will be some news about that.  I mean national news should be really interesting, right?  Uh…damn.  I don’t even believe this one. 

Is this a news article or a question?  I guess Mike Seidel had to go and figured there was no better place to piss than in the snow right there.  So do you suppose it was cold out where Mike was?  Did his penis shrivel up while he was trying to water the weeds?  I should email him and ask.  In fact, let’s all email Mike Seidel and tell him what a rude pig he is for pissing outside on national television!  Let’s tell the station manager! 

Honestly I did go to the Weather Channel web page, but there isn’t an email listed for you to send any complaints.  I’m sure they don’t want to hear any complaints from anyone.  There is however a “Feedback” section here:

I’m so tempted to leave a comment asking for their weathermen to be potty trained.  Maybe teach them that it’s not appropriate to piss outdoors.  I’m sure you’re now asking yourself if I’ve ever pissed outdoors.  Yes I have, but never on camera.  If you’re going to do the weather on tv you should at least keep your pants zipped up until your report is finished!

Oh hey, they found some bones at nearby Lake Mead!  Human bones!  Fabulous.

The ad that comes on is ten times as long as the news story!  And you can’t really call this much of a “story” anyway, can you?  It’s basically a sentence long.  Why is there even video?  The written part says the “bones” belong to Charles Finely III.  I wonder what happened to the other two?

Ok, I’ve had enough of news for today.  Time to start racking my brain about what I’ll blog about tomorrow.  I’m sure I’ll come up with some more senseless shit.  Until then stay safe and don’t let anyone find your bones in a lake after pissing in the snow.

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