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Friday, November 7, 2014

Understanding Women


Are you ready for an analogy?  Men are like rocks and women are like internal combustion engines.  There are many different kinds of men, but we’re basically the same.  We’re usually simple.  There are all kinds of women too, and most of them are extremely complicated and made up of thousands of parts.  Does this sound right?  Well it is.

I’ve made mistakes with women, and had a few victories with them, but I will in no way claim to be an expert in how the female mind works.  I’ve made one girl so angry that she canceled a date we had arranged and refused to go out with me.  I’ve also bought a different girl a gold bracelet for her birthday and watched as she lit up with happiness.  I’ve gotten dirty looks and smiles, been given kind words and swore at, and have seen quite a few sides of quite a few women.  So let’s go over things that I’ve surmised over the years about how a woman’s mind works.

Here’s a nice example:  Two people work in the same office, Tom and Jannis.  They walk into the office in the morning ready to start work.  Tom looks at Jannis and says:

“Good morning Jannis, nice boots!  I really like those!”

Jannis smiles and replies:

“Thank you very much Tom, they’re new.”

Both Tom and Jannis go to their work desks to start their work day and here is what starts going through Jannis’ mind:

He said he liked the boots.  Did he look at the rest of me?  Should I have said more back to him?  I’ll bet he didn’t even look at my hair!  I spent all morning fussing with this hair and he can’t even look at it.  Did he mention the new blouse?  Of course not, he was just looking at the boots.  Why would he bother to look at my blouse when he didn’t even look at my hair?  Was he waiting for me to say more?  Does Tom like me?  Do I like Tom?  I don’t know if I like Tom.  Tom is always nice when I see him.  I wish he would have said something about my blouse, but then why would he?  He doesn’t look at my chest.  He’s always too busy staring at that whore Kim’s chest!  All the men stare at her chest and she’s always throwing those tits out so everyone can see them!  Is she after Tom?  Probably, she seems to be after every other man she sees.  What a bitch, I really hate her!

I’ve been told things like this will go through a woman’s mind in just a few seconds.  So how did she go from “nice boots” to “Kim is a whore”?  What the hell?  If you want to look at it from Tom’s side, more than likely he was thinking:

Wow, she has on nice boots.  I wonder if the coffee has been made yet?

He’s not wondering if Jannis likes him, he wants some coffee.  Does he look at Kim’s cleavage?  Of course he does!  We all look at cleavage, ladies!  You know that and we know that!  It’s a fact of life!  We like cleavage.  But after telling Jannis she had on nice boots, Tom moves on with his day.  We do that, men say something and then move on.  Women will sit for hours trying to analyze what men mean about one sentence.  Usually we just mean we liked the boots.  *chuckle*

Here’s another example;  Tom and Jannis start going out together.  Tom tells Jannis that he’s going to help a friend work on a car and will come over to see her around noon.  Jannis waits and waits, but there is no sign of Tom.  She calls his cell phone a few times, but there’s no answer.  Here we go in jannis’ head again:

Oh my God, I hope nothing’s happened to him.  Should I call the police?  He wouldn’t do something stupid and get arrested, would he?  No he wouldn’t.  Maybe he’s in the hospital.  Or maybe he got hurt working on the car and no one was there to help him?  Maybe both he and his friend got hurt?  Who did he say he was with?  I don’t remember his friend’s name!  Did Tom even tell me his friend’s name?  Oh my God, what do I do if something’s really happened?  Why won’t he call me!  Or at least answer his phone when I call him!  What is wrong with him!  Maybe he went to a bar.  Did he meet some floozy and is spending time with her instead of coming to see me?  Why would he do that?  If he’s not hurt, I’m going to hurt him myself!

Tom finally shows up at Jannis’ house at three o’clock.  By now she’s furious.  She yells “WHERE WERE YOU?  I WAS WORRIED SICK!” at him.  Tom has no idea why she’s so angry.  He tries to explain that he was working on a car with his friend like he told her he was going to be doing.  She says that he was supposed to show up at her house at noon, not whenever the hell he feels like it!  Tom is still clueless.  So he’s a bit late.  He got carried away with the car and forgot the time.  He can’t understand why she’s so upset.  And then here comes the complicated part.  Jannis looks at Tom and says the “F" word:

FINE, you just spend all the time you want with your stupid friends!

Fine is never a good word to hear from a woman.  I would rather have a woman call me all kinds of profanity than hear her say the word fine.  Fine to a man means you’re ok.  Fine from a woman means the world is ON FIRE!  Win her or loser her right here, boys.

So now Tom tries to make things better by apologizing.  He says he’s sorry and it won’t ever happen again.  He’ll make sure he calls her next time.  Meanwhile Jannis is sitting on the couch with her arms crossed.  A woman with her arms crossed is usually a bad sign, too.  She looks away from Tom and says that horrible word again;


Tom gives Jannis a curious look and asks, “So, we’re good then?”  Jannis continues to stare off into space refusing to look at Tom and says;

Absolutely, we’re fine.

Tom is in deep shit.  Now a small part of the male brain is sending out alarm signals telling Tom that thing are not right.  Jannis keeps saying the “F” word, but she doesn’t seem like she’s “fine” at all.  Tom was just a few hours late.  This doesn’t make any sense to him.  Now Tom stands there for a few seconds like a deer caught in some headlights.  (If you aren’t familiar with what that means, it means he just stands there not knowing what to do next.)  He’s absolutely stunned and doesn’t know what to do.  If a man is late to his buddy’s house, the buddy usually won’t care.  Hell, if we’re going out, sometimes we’ll even leave the late guy behind!  Then when we see him the next day we tell him how great a time we had without him!  But we don’t get mad usually.  Shit happens and men move on.  Women don’t move on.

They may say they’ll move on, but they don’t.  Even if Tom sits down and talks to Jannis and gets her to forgive him for being late, years later she’s going to bring up the fact that he was three hours late that day and throw it right back in his face.  Oh yes, women will keep things in the back of their minds for years, decades even! 

Damn you Ernie!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten that day in 1901 when you fed my horse beans and she couldn’t stop farting!  You’re a rotten old bastard!

I don’t mean to pick on all the bad things women do.  But these are just some of the complicated parts of them.  If you see me and say “Damn Robert, your hair is really thinning out on top!”  I’m not going to be offended.  My hair is thinning.  I’m not happy about that, but it’s a fact of life.  I’ll agree with you and move on with my day.  If you look at a girl and say to her, “Wow, what happened to your hair?” you’ve just ruined her entire day.  Maybe even her week.  Or month.  Or as I said above, she may remember you said that for decades.  She may pretend to shrug off the remark, but I guarantee you most women will find a mirror somewhere and look at themselves to try and figure out what is wrong with their hair.  There’s really nothing wrong with it, but they can’t believe that.  Some idiot said there was and now they have to figure out what it is.

I’ve had women tell me “Thank you” and give me a kiss on the cheek.  What the hell did I do to earn that?  Only they know.  If I try asking, “What was that for? I get some cryptic answer like “Just for being you” or “It doesn’t matter”.  And to further complicate things, I’m sure there are other women who see that and then start thinking things like,

Oh my God, look at that hussy!  She just kissed him!  Does he like her?  Are they going out?  Should I go kiss him?  I wonder what he would do if I did?  Do I want to kiss him?  I don’t know.  What would she do if I kissed him?  Are they together?  I didn’t think they were, but now I’m not sure.  Should I ask? 

And there’s another complicated thing about women.  Whether they admit it or not, they get jealous.  I can understand if a woman is going out with a guy and sees another woman flirting with him.  That’s easy to get upset about.  But if you have a guy who is just a male friend and a girl talks to him, sometimes women will get upset over that!  I’ve had female friends say things to me like,

You don’t really like her, do you?  She’s not your type.  You might want to think twice before you hang around with her again.  She’s just not right for you.  You deserve better.

What the hell is with all the judgment?  Maybe I DO want a date with Kim (with the huge cleavage)!  Maybe she is my type!  Is my friend being protective, or jealous?  Sometimes it’s hard to say.  I’ll be honest with you and say that when I’ve had single female friends and see them talking to guys I get jealous.  I’ll usually keep my mouth shut, but I will admit to being jealous.  Women play that kind of thing off, though.

No I’m not jealous!  Fine, go out with her!  See if I care!

Alarms going off in my head again.  She said the “F” word!  And what does it mean when she says, “See if I care”?  She obviously cares, or she wouldn’t have said anything.  And what’s with the “fine” remark?  This is now getting overly complicated!  Some girls want to be friends and stay platonic, but if you try to go out with another girl, they get all bent out of shape!  I find myself in trouble just for talking to another girl!  *chuckle* 

I have a lot of female friends in my life now through Facebook.  I probably won’t understand them as much as I’d like, but I do love them all.  So if I’m ever stupid, or make mistakes, forgive me.  And please don’t use the “F” word with me if you can help it.  I don’t like the alarm bells in my head when I don’t know how to shut them off.  *chuckle*

Until tomorrow…Aloha.

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